14
Nov
10

suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?*

Dear Bride-to-be,

Yeah, that’s right, I can’t make up a name for you that’s similar to your real name as I do with all my other letters.  Why? Because we were never formally introduced.  Though given our situation, I guarantee you will remember me.  Oh, if this were a real letter, and not a blogl, I’d probably put some kind of warning on the envelope like, “for your eyes only.”  However, two things come to mind – 1. it’s not a real letter and 2. given your actions during our brief encounter, I doubt you are still married anyway.

So, any idea who I am yet? Possibly not, I guess in the full week leading up to your wedding there might have been at least half a dozen other guys you made out with in addition to me, not to mention it was 4 years ago.  Hell, you might have even slept with half a dozen or so guys.  But to clear things up a bit, we were at a dance club/meat market, I was extremely inebriated (the only way I can survive at a club is if I am going to at least ‘brown out’), and I bought you and your bridal party a round of shots.  Literally, that is how we met. I was at the bar, as were you and your crew, I saw your sash about being a future bride and thought I’d be nice.  Turns out you really thought I was nice.

You dragged me to the dance floor and insisted we dance together to thank me for the shot.  Here’s the thing – I did not see this coming at all.  I did not buy you and your friends a shot in the hopes that we’d go bump & grind to some lameass song.  You were, probably still are, really effing hot.  Simply put, you were kind of out of my league.  So in my inebriated state you backin’ that ass up into me, even though you were a week away from getting hitched (at some point while at the bar, you told me your wedding date and that you were a law student), was pretty sweet.  Then when we were dancing face to face things were getting kinda hot, and despite my better judgment I just went in for the makeout.  You were totally into it.  For about five awesome minutes, we danced and kissed (with tongue) at a meat market club dance floor.  I legitimately thought I was back at my college frat house.  Then your friends finally decided to act like friends and dragged you away.  End of story.

bring back any memories? probably lots...

However, I do have some lingering questions.  1. Are you still married to the guy you were marrying a week after our steamy make out session? 2. Is he a better kisser than I am? 3. Why do I only meet hot, future professionals that want to make out with me at 1am when I can barely remember my own name, who are engaged? 4. Was I special? Or did you make out with lots of other dudes your last week of freedom? 5. Do I need to create a new category of letters?  Because this certainly isn’t a very ‘adult’ like story.

Hope your (ex)husband never reads this,

Mc-Shot Buyer

ps – Questions #1 & #3 are not being asked because I want to somehow meet you again…while you are both hot and probably smart (given the lawyer thing), you are also most likely a slut.  And while education and attraction are important qualities I seek, slutiness is not.

*Mallrats


9 Responses to “suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?*”


  1. 1 Teri
    November 14, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    You are a VERY good writer, however – I have to ask…why are you still thinking about this woman four years later?

    A couple of points to consider? You admit that 1) you knew she was engaged 2) she was inebriated and 3) YOU went for it anyway. So, although she is responsible for her all her actions, I think it’s hugely inappropriate for you to cast judgement on her as a “slut.” It’s harsh, and if it were a guy getting his package rubbed by a naked stripper no one would think twice about it.

    Cheers,
    Teri

    • November 15, 2010 at 12:01 am

      thanks for the kind words…i am not condoning my actions. i guess my main point is that i would hope if my future wife were in a similar situation, she would slap the guy – which of course is what i deserved!

  2. November 15, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Meeting some slutty dancing ho in a bar is an exercise in boredom, they are a dime a tragic dozen..no doub she has back fat by now and strech marks…what a lucky groom! When you least expect it, you will find the perfect mate…other then that..enjoy :)

  3. 4 r
    November 15, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    You’re a fantastic writer.
    I stuck around to read some through your posts and the heartfelt humour and the sometimes dented heart.. it really shines through.

    I do agree with the first commenter, though. A bit harsh to brand her a slut, considering you had quite the role to play. You’re also right in that she ought to have smacked you for getting “fresh”, as it were. However, perhaps her story is more complex, perhaps it’s more complicated than “I met a guy, I fell in love, I married him”. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

    That’s another thing that shines through your writing: the “perhaps” notions.

    x

  4. November 18, 2010 at 1:28 am

    This post disappointed me – I was really enjoying your blog. I hate the way “slut” is thrown around so carelessly these days. Some female-filtered points to consider: 1) Girls/Women usually consider dancing as just dancing 2) Getting drunk and touchy feely at bars during bachelorette parties is the female equivilent of the bachelor getting a lap dance 3) Never judge who a person is based upon their behavior when stressed, celebrating, drunk, and you are drunk yourself

    What is your plan for the blog when you are no longer single?

  5. November 21, 2010 at 12:14 am

    I enjoyed this post… until I got to the end. I agree with the other commenters. Slut was a little harsh.

  6. March 2, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Woah I never realised how easily women from America get offended by the word slut! Maybe it gets banded about too much in the UK who knows?


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