Archive for November, 2010


that’s like the express lane to the friend zone…what the hell’s the friend zone? *

Dear Cassandra,

We went on a date a couple of weeks and I had a lovely evening…only I’m still not sure it was a date.  I’d like to make this clear in person, or at the very least face to face; wait who am I kidding, no one talks face to face anymore.  I’d like to make this clear via blog/letter (or text message, since you probably won’t read this): I don’t really want to friends.  Really, it’s nothing against you, it’s just that I already have way too many friends.  In fact, I wish I could purge my real friends like I can my facebook friends…unfortunately there is no delete button for life.  Sorry, let me get back to you, and us.

Our first date was about a year ago, it was an awkward date.  We met for a few drinks, had a lame conversation, hugged it out and I thought that would be the end of it.  I’m usually a pretty good conversationalist, and now I know that you are too, but for some reason that night we talked about as well as Brett Favre retires…that is, not very well.  We ran into each other once and had some coffee, and the conversation was slightly better, but I think we were both kind of bored after one mug, and that was it.

I'm not fat + You are as hot as Amy Smart = Perfect couple! Photo courtesy of

I mean, a brief conversation about sports via gchat every once in awhile, but I never thought we’d hang out again.  Then, out of the blue, YOU asked me to meet up for a beer.  I was taken aback, but we had an awesome time!  Granted, we connected over sharing awful date experiences, but we were both laughing and smiling like we’d hit it off.  Again, we hugged it out and promised each other it wouldn’t be ten months before hanging out again.. Ten months, less than ten days later you asked me out to dinner…on an effing Saturday night (ok I guess the day was my choice, but you were totally into it)!  That was a date – we met, I even told you how beautiful you looked, grabbed a drink at a bar, then went to a relatively fancy restaurant (cloth, not paper napkins) and had more great conversation.  Only this time instead about other awful people we dated, we talked about ourselves.  A hug, and a light peck on the cheek later, we went our separate ways.

And I totally might be jumping to conclusions, but based on your wanting to meet up for coffee sometime soon (as opposed to dinner or drinks again), I’m guessing you just want to be friends.  Now let me make something clear: I am not head over heals about you, yet.  I did not get all giddy and call up a dozen friends telling them about some great new girl I went out with.  So I don’t want you thinking I’m on some kind of level you are totally not on.  However, like I said from the beginning…I don’t want to be friends.  If we hang out again, I’d be coming from the angle of trying to see if a romantic type (read: where we get to make out) relationship MIGHT work.  You and I are not headed for the friend zone.  If you aren’t ok with that, I completely understand.  There are lots of reasons you might not want to pursue that kind of relationship with me; none of them are good reasons of course (sarcasm), but that’s cool with me.

Make sense? Good. Sincerely,

Not Fat Ryan Reynolds

* Just Friends (not a great movie, but the quote works)


dear ethan hawke,

On this Black Friday, I’m thankful that I already own your film “Great Expectations,” so I don’t have to fight with crazed shoppers looking for super deals at Best Buy.  Even though most likely those deals are no better than they will be for the next few weeks, and not even as good as the ones after Christmas.  Not to mention all the online deals that are probably even better.  Oh, and at least our economy is stable enough that people should be blowing all their disposable income on electronics they might want, good decisions! Yet I digress.  Although now that I think about it…perhaps I will brave Best Buy, after all I only own your film on regular DVD, which of course is for losers…I don’t yet own a BluRay version.

Anyway, I’d like to publicly state that I think your late 90s version of “Great Expectations” is criminally underrated.  Solid acting, amazing set design, and killer soundtrack.  Furthermore, the drunken speech you deliver (see below) towards the end of the film is a speech I one day aspire to give.  Though I don’t plan on selling out an art show, given I still can’t stay within the lines, perhaps I’ll write a book one day about some girl; perhaps it’ll be a best seller; perhaps she won’t show up to a book signing at some cool boutique book store in NYC; perhaps I’ll ditch the signing and cruise down Park Ave. with a bottle of Grey Goose in tow, to make a speech similar to this one; perhaps she will actually here it, instead of her curmudgeonly grandmother…

Make another good movie please Ethan,


Charles Dickens


It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history.*

Dear Kelly,

Does the title of this letter not say it all?  I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being part of history, we must have had the easiest breakup of all-time, or at the very least top 5.  It’s only fitting that I’m writing to you now, as it was just before Thanksgiving a year ago when we ended things.  Before I get to the night of our breakup, lets rehash our courtship (awesome word) and few months of dating first.

If they can do can we (photo courtesy of NBC)

You facebooked me, that was all it took.  I don’t think more than 10 words had ever passed between us and so your friend request was somewhat random in my book.  I figured, ‘eff it…here is a girl who is cute, single, in the area, successful, into lots of the same things, ask her out.’  So I did what any guy in his mid 20′s would do (and for the record, early 20′s = 20-23, mid 20′s = 24-28, late 20′s = 29), I asked if you were interested in grabbing dinner sometime….via facebook message.  You said yes.  I love how we didn’t even have each other’s phone numbers yet but we had still agreed to dinner.  Well we went out, met up with some mutual friends for some adult beverages after, and low and behold I was a bit too drunk to drive.  You were kind enough to let me crash at your place, we made out awhile (it had been a LOONG time since I made out), and we went to sleep.

Things progressed pretty naturally from there, some more dinners, some long phone conversations (some from foreign countries), romantic comedies, sleepovers with more than making out, etc etc etc.  And guess what? It was all very nice.  Unfortunately, that is about the nicest word I can use to describe those few months, nice.  Not only that, I’m 99% sure that is the best thing you can come up with as well.  Here is what I think: it had been a little while since either of us had someone consistent to spoon at night, and since I know I don’t do much of the casual hookup thing, it had been actually quite a long while for myself.  I think we both found some comfort in each other, we got along well enough, and it’s always nice to spend some easy-going time with someone you can make out with as well.  But I knew a couple weeks into it that we weren’t going to go too far.  And so did you.

Hence, when I came over the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and proclaimed, “I think we should talk,” you answered immediately, “I know.”  I gave some absurd, too long speech, about how I thought we were both great people, but not great for each other, and the bottom line is that we were settling because it was relatively easy to hang out, and like I said, making out is sweet.  Holy crap, talk about a run on sentence…yet I digress.  Anyway, you agreed, we hugged, I played with your dogs’ floppy ears one last time, and that was the end of it.

Here is the thing though…I kind of regret how I handled us.  Not the breakup, because by then it was needed…but how I more or less gave up on us two weeks in.  I often think one of my greatest strengths is my people judging skills, and I’m still 99% sure my reaction was correct – you are most definitely a catch, just not my catch.  But I can’t help but think about that 1%, and wonder if I need to let things marinate a bit longer before making important judgements, because once that judgement was made, it was done.

Ok sorry to go on a mini-serious rant, but I can’t be funny all the time.

Hope life is treating you well,

Jerry Seinfeld



Dear Eddie Vedder,

So I feel bad Eddie, because I really should be writing a letter to one of my females today since it’s been a few days.  But I’m giving myself an out because quite frankly, grad school needs to come first this week.  I promised myself I’d finish whatever school work I have remaining for the semester (and since I’m finishing this semester, forever).  Hence, I am pulling a slight copout by writing you this quickie.  The following clip illustrates two things: 1. how badass you are, how many musicians pull a surprise trip to a late night talk show and 2. the lyrics you sing are quite possibly the best lyrics to describe heartbreak.  For me, anyway.  After all, isn’t much of heartbreak comprised of not having someone in your life you wish you had?  Of course, I might just be talking myself into some BS because I would probably do anything for you…not sexually man, get your mind out of the gutter.  I promise you Eddie, that I will write a full letter to an ex before I inhale some turkey in two days, because I know you are out there somewhere reading them, and you will probably write a song about them, call me up on stage, invite me backstage to meet the band, teach me how to surf…ok whoops, just creeped myself out.

Love You Rock,

Jeremy (haha get it, like the song!)

Letters sent…

November 2010
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