Dear Every Girl at Every bar i’ve been to for the past three New Years Eve’s,
I have a very simple question for you: why have none of you made out with me at midnight? I guess I should amend the “every girl” to “every available girl,” as it’s not fair to castigate those females that were attached to significant others of their own at the time. However, the rest of you have very little in the way of excuses. I don’t get it, why have I not been able to kiss someone as the ball drops for 5-10 seconds. That’s all I’m asking for, it hasn’t happened since NYE 200effing6! I think I’m doing the right things – scoping out the scene a couple of hours ahead of time, zoning in on a few (un)lucky females at about 11:30, maybe a drink at the bar, maybe a dance here or there, and by 11:58 there always seems to be a 99% chance that I’m going to make out. But alas…
I’ll pretty much leave it at that, as I realize the last thing people want on New Years Eve is some dark and depressing letter about some poor sap that can’t manage to kiss a girl. And trust me, the longer this goes the less witty it will become…if it was every witty. So today, I beg of you single females that I come across tonight, all I’m asking for is a kiss, it doesn’t even have to include tongue. I’m not going to try to take you home, or even ask for your number (though if you are up for either of those things I won’t necessarily be opposed to them), I just want to make out with one of you.
And even if I don’t as Pearl Jam sang on New Years Eve almost two decades ago, “Hey, I, I, oh, I’m still alive.”
*When Harry Met Sally