Archive for December, 2010



21
Dec
10

if I said that would you stay? *

Dear Alex (yes, a female),

If you read some of my other letters, you’ll no doubt be surrounded by sarcasm and wit. However, I don’t imagine I’ll be able to do that with this letter, to you.  Though, you will at some point receive another letter that recalls me asking you out, multiple times, when we were about 10 years old.  But today I’m writing you because you just informed me you are going to Kabul, Afghanistan for 6 months for emergency relief effort. The only way I know how to get my real emotions out there about this are through a letter.

First off, no matter how many times I casually drop, “…because you are going to Kabul for 6 months,” you should know a couple of things 1. I will support you 100% in this decision, and probably any other decision you make; because even though you are a bit crazy at times you probably have your head screwed on way straighter than most of us. Secondly, you have to allow me to make stupid comments about this because I’m incredibly nervous, and will be until you return.  I am a typical American, and know almost nothing about the daily goings on in Kabul except from what I see on the news and video game commercials (see below…actually I lied, there is nothing to see below. Originally I had posted a youtube clip of some stupid video game, but there is no need for graphics in this letter.).  I’m sure it’s far safer that I realize, but I care as much about you as anyone else in the world, and as a result I will not sleep as well until you are back.

That brings us to the quote that is the header of this letter…the preceding line is, “what if we get married?” Put it together and you get, “what if we get married? If I said that would you stay?”  Don’t tweak out, I’m not proposing to you.  First of all I know you’d never say yes, not to mention I would never actually want to hold you back from something I know you are really want to do.  But I thought I’d let you know when I first read the email with your news, and when we were video chatting about it last night…I had this Hollywood vision of me running to you at JFK as you were about to walk onto your plane and asking you to marry me so you wouldn’t go.  But, then I realized, that’s impossible because I’m not allowed at the gate…and I think we both know there is no way I’d buy a plane ticket to get through security just to get turned down.  But hey, it’s the thought that counts.

I know we’ll talk plenty before you leave, but I love you,

And be safe,

Germs.

(editors note) PS The other reason I wouldn’t do this crazy proposal is because I don’t really want to marry you, we’d drive each other crazy…but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do ANYTHING to make sure you were safe…

*Jerry Maguire

20
Dec
10

Give me a word, any word, and I show you that the root of that word is Greek. *

Dear Jamey,

Before I get all self-deprecating, sarcastic, and so forth, allow me for one moment to be serious.  I’m glad that I can even write this letter to you, since college you faced some incredibly serious health issues and persevered and from what facebook tells me, you are leading quite a happy life these days.  That being said, what chance did we have, given that you dragged me to “my big effing fat greek wedding” on our first date?

Actually, let’s backtrack just a hair, because I realized things weren’t going to work from the moment we ordered dinner.  How I remember exactly what happened and my mindset at the time is mind-boggling I know, but remember I’m the kid who got yelled at by a frat bro once because I spent an entire lunch speaking 1980′s movie quotes.  Anyway, we were at the Outback, and I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “ok, you have to order something decent so she doesn’t think you are a cheapskate.” So, I figured I’d class it up and get a filet mignon, medium-rare as always.  Then instead of asking the always awkward question, “do you want to get an app?” I thought I’d just be prepared.  Sidenote, asking about apps can be brutal…if you are with someone who you’d rather end the date with quickly, and she wants one, you are effed. The opposite can also happen.  I decided that I’d get a garden salad with the fat-free vinaigrette, to show that I am a man because I eat almost raw red meat, but I’m also health conscious.  Then the waitress came over, and being the gentleman that I am I let you order first.  The words came out like slow-motion,

“I’ll have the filet, medium-rare.  Oh, and I’ll start with a garden salad, fat free vinaigrette on the side.”

I panicked, instead of calling an audible, I said with a hint of chagrin, “Same thing please.” We laughed it off awkwardly.

Wow I got off topic!  The real reason for this letter was to give you a fair amount of grief over you dragging me to an obviously awful movie after said filets (which, if I recall, were overocoked).  I feel like since I splurged for the meal, I should have had at least some say in what movie we attended.  But when I asked what you wanted to see, and you quickly responded, “I’ve been dying to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” it was nearly impossible for me to say no.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have been looking into those pretty blue eyes, it may have been easier to say no.  So, we went, and you thoroughly enjoyed yourself while I counted the threads on my three-bar Game hat (those were the bomb back in the day, we actually had to earn a broken in hat). Actually, that’s really all i can say about the movie…it’s that bad.

We even went out a few more times after that debacle, a dinner or two, and I even managed to take you to an overnight fraternity formal.  Unfortunately we both got intoxicated enough where we were past the drunk hookup stage and just passed out.  After that, I guess things just petered out as they often do.  I should’ve known as soon as we went to see Big Fat Greek horrorshow that we never had a chance, romantically.  We also had that Seinfeld syndrome where there was never an awkward pause in our convos to allow me a good chance to make a move.  It’s too bad we didn’t just cut romantic ties after that movie, maybe then we could’ve been good friends, instead of the 6 month facebook message alerting each other of new music.  Who knows, maybe we still will be one day…

Happy Holidays,

John Corbett (get it?)

*My Big Fat Greek Wedding (editor’s note: I disagree entirely with this quote, ever hear of LATIN?)

18
Dec
10

dear santa claus,

I feel like a bit of a fraud sending you a Christmas list, mainly because I was raised Jewish and never really celebrated Christmas growing up.  Oh, there is also that tiny fact that I am 29, but I’m sure every once in awhile you get some desperate plea for attention.  Anyway, here is what I want for Christmas this year (I guess just throw each one in my mudroom area, since I don’t have a tree?):

1. GPS Device: I recently spent a weekend in an unnamed east coast city, it was somewhat daunting and nerve-wracking driving around the city streets not really know where I’m going with a bunch of massholes.  Ok, you caught me…it was Boston.

2. Some good books.  I have lots of free time on my hands and I need some more inspiration for the novel I’m going to write…speaking of which…

3. Someone from Random House, Penguin or Pendant Publishing (preferably Elaine Benes) to stumble across this blog, appreciate my witty, self-deprecating humor to such an extent they ask me to write a book.

4. RETAINER. RE. TAIN. ER.

5. A female that I’m interested in and that is interested in me.  Note how I didn’t get all crazy and ask for a girlfriend…just the potential for one.  It would help if she were A. not psycho B. not necessarily a great cook but at least decent about grocery shopping, because I suck at it C. has some connections to the publishing world.

6. For The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Snooki and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast to vanish into obscurity, and somehow donate all their un-earned money to charity.  I don’t want them to fade away, that would happen anyway.  I want to wake up on Christmas morning and their fame simply cease to exist.

7. True Grit to be as good as I’m expecting it to be.

8. 100 twitter & facebook followers (hey, at least this one won’t cost anything except maybe some dignity)

9. Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez and the New York Jets to lose out and miss the playoffs.

10. A free month on match.com in order to make #5 a bit more realistic.  Actually screw that, if you’ve read any of my previous posts you’ll know this is just a waste.  How about you just make #5 appear on my front porch singing, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” on Christmas Eve.  It would be preferable if it was snowing lightly, and cold enough so that when I invite her in for hot cocoa in front of the fireplace (which I don’t have…damn that sounds super shady huh?) she will actually take me up on the offer.  This way, not only will I potentially have a girlfriend, I will also associate that song with happy memories, because as it stands for some reason the somberness of the song makes me want to crawl under my covers and cry. Well, it would be associated with happy memories, until of course…she just becomes another ex, and she gets one of these letters. Yet I digress.

Oh, and as for the milk and cookies, you are more than welcome to have your fair share, but I’m pretty sure the oreos are stale and the milk is spoiled. See items #5/#10 on my list if you’d like this rectified for the 2011 holiday season.

Sincerely,

The Lonely Jew on Christmas

16
Dec
10

dear readers,

I am on the road for some job interview type crap (yeah, I said it…it’s crap, just give me a job.  Actually, I don’t really want one, I’d rather someone from a publishing company come along to this site, and ask me to turn these letters into a novel. But Chanukah has already passed.  Ok this parenthetical sentence has dragged on long enough).  So in lieu of an actual letter to some girl who broke my heart, or who wouldn’t french kiss me, or who I decided was not that good at the game of life, I’m going to do what every narcissistic blogger out there wants to do, but often doesn’t shamelessly self-promote, in my own post!

So, if you like my letters, or even if you don’t and simply want to show other people what a loser I am, than spread the good cheer:

Here is my brand new facebook community page, which will be tons of fun to check out once we get some banter going, and will be a good break from stalking exes of your own.  FYI, I warn you now at this point I can not “like” your page in return, I am trying my best to remain anonymous, at least for a little while…However, if you follow me on Twitter, I guarantee a return follow.

You know you are one anyway...might as well creep my blog page.

I realize this is incredibly shallow to do, but I’m having lots of fun writing this, and the response so far has been great…I just want more of it.  Normally I’d annoy my actual friends, but the whole anonymity thing.  Can you imagine if ‘Shannon’ read the letter I wrote to her earlier this week?  Actually, maybe she really would stop annoying me….hmmm?

Anyway, thanks and enjoy your respective weekends,

Dear Ex




Letters sent…

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