When we first started hanging out together, this morning, we were just friends; but things change, and I’ve fallen in love with you.*

Dear Helena,

You realize that if you knocked on my door today, and asked me to marry you there is about a 77% chance I’d say “yes.”  This is a very big deal, given a few things: 1. I’ve never been in what most would call a long term relationship, so jumping right into a marriage would be kind of a bold move. 2. While it’s cool you were in a movie with Robin Williams, said movie has less than a 5 rating on IMDB, so it would go against my nature to associate with someone from that (kidding, kind of). 3. I have not seen, or heard from you, since summer camp 1996, so you might no longer be tall, gorgeous, and sweet.

Yes...I was the cool kid who wore a hat to the camp banquet

I mean, for effs sake Helena, look at you (blurred face notwithstanding), how could I not have fallen in love with you back in the day.  Granted, we only had a few weeks a year to spend together, but perhaps it was the other 49 weeks where I built up the affection I have (I mean, had) for you.  It’s a damn good thing facebook and gchat weren’t around back then, I have a feeling you might have placed some kind of cyber-restraining order against me.  Speaking of which, why the hell are you still not on facebook?  I know you always went against the grain a bit, after all you were a hot girl who was best friends with me, but just give in and create an account, if only to reconnect.

Wait, this is supposed to be a letter to an ex…but you are not really an ex of any sort.  I was simply infatuated with you, and though I’m sure you knew it, it was never discussed.  I was a gangly, incredibly awkward 14 year old with a mouth full of braces (which seems to be a reoccurring theme in these old-school letters), and you were a 15 year old moviestar who looked 20; hence, there was extremely little point in trying to make you my girlfriend for the better part of July.  But honestly, that isn’t really important.

Not to be super cheesy, but what is important the friendship we had.  I did indeed cherish it…back then I thought it was because I got to spend copious amounts of time talking one on one to the hottest girl at camp during rest hours, pool or A’s & C’s (arts & crafts…hey I needed a rest from all the athletics and it was a great place to pick up chicks).  Actually, I just realized the last sentence is entirely true.  I think our friendship gave me a level of confidence with females that I didn’t have prior.  Becoming close and talking all the time with a beautiful female tends to have that effect on me…even if we weren’t making out after talking.  I realize that most of my letters make me appear like an insecure, sarcastic asshole, which is true of course, but I think without you, Helena, I’d be even worse off.

Hope all is well, wherever the hell you are,

Steak (as in, opposite of ‘Chicken’…get it? Of course you do, no one else does though!)

*Wet Hot American Summer

13 Responses to “When we first started hanging out together, this morning, we were just friends; but things change, and I’ve fallen in love with you.*”

  1. January 3, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    the quote title made me laugh and the post was really cute
    thanks for sharing :)

  2. January 3, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    I can’t believe that Helena doesn’t have facebook! How do our old crushes expect us to find them, huh?

    Good post. ;)

    PS: I googled “dear ex girlfriend blog” to find your latest post today and couldn’t find it. Start putting it in your categories/tags so people who love you (like us) can find you when needed.

    Happy New Year!
    -Bianca and The Girls

  3. January 3, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    Just wanted to say that I read about your blog on Wait In The Van, and I am thoroughly enjoying your posts. You make me laugh, and coincidentally, I saw both movies on the days you posted your Forest Gump and When Harry Met Sally quotes. Looking forward to reading more. Happy New Year!

  4. January 4, 2011 at 5:12 am

    We all have those! And we will always seem to wander what ever happened to them. Quite sad hey? I remember bumping into one years later, and him introducing me to his wife (who was very pregnant). My heart actually fell a little. What was i thinking? I had not seen the man for 10 years!

  5. January 4, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Even with the blury face she had, some sort of medical condition?, I can see why she had such a big impact on a 14 year old boy.

    We all I think have such a figure in our lives.

    I for one would not want to find out where she is now. She may be 200 lbs and have no teeth.

    Illusion shattered.

    • January 4, 2011 at 12:18 pm

      I can’t help but be reminded of There’s Something About Mary… Yes, she might be 200 lbs and toothless, but she could also be a hot single doctor living in Florida!

      Remember Brett Favre in that movie? He was such a dreamboat before fake retiring and exposing his wiener.

      -Bianca & The Girls

  6. January 11, 2011 at 12:52 am

    I just got around to reading this now, because I’ve been working on a novel. I bring this up because…

    “I was a gangly, incredibly awkward 14 year old with a mouth full of braces (which seems to be a reoccurring theme in these old-school letters), and you were a 15 year old moviestar who looked 20″

    Okay, my protag doesn’t have braces (although he could) and the love interest isn’t a moviestar, but other than that… you pretty much described my main characters. And I started working on this story two years ago… spooky…

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