17
Feb
11

F*ck it, Dude, let’s go bowling. *

Dear Amelia,

Just do me one solid. I cant believe I started off a letter with the word ‘solid.’ I sound like effing George Costanza. Pathetic. Let’s revamp.

Just do me one favor. There, that’s much better. Please tell me you stopped seeing me for a reason OTHER than me kicking your ass at bowling. I know, I know…you talked a ton of crap going into our second, and presumably final, date; while I played the whole “but it’s been seven years since I’ve bowled, you are going to totally emasculate me, yada yada yada” card. And then, after one sub-par comeback game, where you did indeed score higher than me, I thoroughly destroyed you thereafter.

I’d like to think that I didn’t blow a chance with a great girl because my ego got the better of me and I beat her at bowling. If that is the case, we wouldn’t have worked out anyway. It isn’t really in me to do shit like that, and if you expected me to do that, you weren’t the girl I thought you were.

But, since then…nada, nothing, zilch. Even though you told a mutual friend that you, ‘had a blast…can’t wait to hang out again,’ you came up with a few lame excuses the next few times I tried getting together with you (seriously, you can visit your Grandmother ANYTIME – I’m just kidding, that’s not really lame…it’s actually kind of adorable), and as a result I threw out this text, “Ok no worries, let me know if you’d like to hang out again,” or something along those lines. Predictably, I haven’t heard from you since. It’s been two weeks, I doubt that I will.

I don’t think it’s because of the bowling. I think it’s because this was a match.com thing, and because you are a normal human being, you most likely were going on quite a few dates in addition to ours, and simply found someone you liked more. As much as I’d like to, I can’t really begrudge you that. I simply don’t have that bone in my body though, or that gene in my DNA. I don’t know how to properly ‘date.’ You and I went out a couple times, I think it’s safe to say we enjoyed each others company…therefore I have no interest in going on dates with other females. It seems like I’d be doing it under false pretenses. Would I perhaps make out with a girl on a dancefloor whilst inebriated on a Saturday night? Of course I would. But I wouldn’t take her out to dinner that week…I’d rather see what kind of potential there is with you.

I’m pretty sure this area of conversation has come up in previous letters…which just proves this series of letters is pointless, since clearly I’m not learning from my mistakes. Unless of course, this had nothing to do with you dating multiple people at once and finding a better match (see what I did there?), and has everything to do with me making you my biatch at the bowling alley.

Sincerely,

The Dude

*The Big Lebowski (this girl and I went bowling…was I going to use another movie?)


7 Responses to “F*ck it, Dude, let’s go bowling. *”


  1. February 17, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    She’s a sore loser. Better not to call.

  2. February 17, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Ha! I had this same internal conversation about this time last year. He was a nice guy, we met through match.com and I, the girl, beat him by one pin at bowling … and it didn’t work out. I was the girl who didn’t feel right dating the masses all at once and he, well, dated the masses. Talk about deja-vu! P.S. even beating a guy by one pin makes him my biatch. A win is a win.

  3. February 17, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    I think you’re right about her reason for not getting back to you… she probably just found a better match. That said, some girls are super-competitive, and some girls are ultra-sensitive. And sometimes it can be cute and charming. As long as you weren’t being a total jack-ass, it wasn’t your fault. So don’t sweat it “Dude”

  4. February 17, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Ahh the not knowing. Eats you from the inside out. Also a cool party trick though, so perhaps try one more time with an invite to watch you go Alien on her arse.

  5. February 19, 2011 at 5:01 am

    Aww! Poor you. The letter was extremely funny though.

  6. February 20, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Wow.. A guy with a heart.. sounds amazing.. :) Don’t chase her because she isn’t worth it if she can’t “see” you and put her ego aside..

  7. February 22, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    Best line ever. Next to, “I don’t roll on the shabbos.”


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