dearexgirlfriend

Dear Jo,

Why did you have to be so effing crazy? And I’m not just talking typical “I’m a female so I’m going to be just a bit off the reservation.” No no. You were a full 2, maybe 3, cans short of a 6-pack.

You were a friend of a friend (presumably, you still are), and were in town visiting for a long weekend. We kind of clicked from the get go, but unlike everyone else that Memorial Day, I had to work on the Monday…so left the final get together early, and missed out on the part where you made out with one of my friends, and then did substantially more with another (I try to keep this as family friendly as possible, so let it suffice to say that put the initials ‘T’ & ‘F’ together and you can figure it out).

So, I pretty much wrote you off. But two weeks later you were back in town, and all over me. It was tough to resist – you were a league or two above me in the looks department, extremely fun, and like I said, on me like white on rice. So, the opportunity presented itself, and I took you home. Little did I know, this meant we were now ‘together.’

Listen, I was then & still am now…all about building a potential relationship. I’ve never been the casual hookup guy, so trust me when I tell you I had no intention of hooking up with you that night, dropping you off the next morning, and then never talking to you again. I had every intention to maybe grabbing dinner that weekend, a few phone calls during the week, and seeing what happened. However, when driving you back to our mutual friend’s house the next morning, a certain song came on and we both loved it…to which you exclaimed (with not a hint of sarcasm), “THIS CAN BE OUR SONG!” You are lucky I didn’t drive off the road.

I should’ve been a man about it and put the kibosh on things right then and there…instead I was a different kind of man about it and told you that it was a great idea for you to come up the next weekend. I think the low-cut shirt you were wearing, in addition to your rather ample rack made it incredibly difficult for me to put a stop to it. Plus, its not like hot blondes are throwing themselves at me on a regular basis.

Anyway, do you remember going crazy on me at the bar the next week? When you said I wasn’t paying enough attention to you, and that I was still in love with Kara. I sure as shit do, and I was less than impressed. Then when we were trying to discuss the matter in a calm state, which I realize now is impossible with you, you told some stranger at the bar that I was “a ritard for not being interested in you.” She agreed and berated me. Thanks for that, Jo.

Of course when we got back to the house we were all crashing at that night you tried to make up for it by calling yourself “my girl” in front of everyone, and I’ll be honest…that didn’t help matters. We went to bed, and yada yada yada (we were drunk, did you expect me to not make out with you just because I was annoyed with you?), woke up and you claimed you couldn’t remember anything from the night before. And luckily, you had to rush back home for one reason or another.

Well, sometime between then and when you called me a few nights later, someone informed you about your behavior and you apologized. And while I accepted, I also told you it was probably a good idea for us to “cool off.” Then you swore at me, and I knew I made the right call…despite your “ample rack.”

Not to mention you’ve now tainted Bloc Party for me.

“Your Man”

ps – I am glad to hear you have settled down with a guy who can put up with you, because I don’t think you are a good person. I know it was all my fault anyway…I am extremely difficult to resist (HEAVY on the sarcasm).

*Wedding Crashers