dear anne hathway,

And I guess to a certain extent, James Franco, because I think after the debacle that was Oscar night, there are many women & men – not that there is anything wrong with that…no of course not  (c’mon people it’s a Seinfeld reference, calm down) – who soured on you after your performance. But since this letter is going to focus on my relationship with Anne, I’ll leave you out of it from now on James, mainly because if I mailed you this letter you’d probably just roll it up and smoke it.

But Anne, my beautiful Anne, what the hell were you doing up there? You came off sometimes as a giddy school girl, and sometimes as a ‘too cool for school’ biatch. Yes, stop, I know the opening bit was hilarious, but that really had nothing to do with you. You didn’t write it, it wasn’t live so you had a chance to actually act (which I think you do quite well quite often), as opposed to freelance during the actual awards. But now that I think of it, you didn’t even have to freelance…you were reading from a teleprompter and still managed to make it seem as awkward  as someone trying to argue that “Bride Wars” was a good movie.

Speaking of your movies, it’s going to be tougher and tougher to defend your abilities when you continue to churn out crap like that, not to mention “Get Smart.” I first fell in love you in “The Devil Wears Prada,” which I was forced to watch on a plane, because it was either that or reading a book. And since reading is for losers (just kidding, if it wasn’t for reading I wouldn’t be able to write this well or have the 17 people/day visit my blog), I watched you outshine everyone in that overall brutal movie. And that includes Emily Blunt & Meryl Streep. Then I saw your boobs in “Brokeback Mountain” and “Havoc,” and even though the latter was a garbage movie, boobs are my downfall so I was ready to propose.

Then, just a couple of years ago, the pinnacle of our relationship came during “Rachel Getting Married,” because now not only did you have a smoking body, but you also proved you could act. Now maybe when I rent “Love & Other Drugs” (speaking of which, I get to see you naked again, right?) you’ll reignite the passion in our one-way relationship. Because after last night babe, I think I’m done. I mean, this is just brutal…

Stop waving your effing arms everywhere.

Your Ex-Lover,


13 Responses to “dear anne hathway,”

  1. February 28, 2011 at 9:14 am

    “or have the 17 people/day visit my blog)”… so hilarious.

    Anne was so awkward I had to turn the channel and watch my ex’s hunting show on Travel Channel… a repeat show at that.

    Love your blog and glad to be one of your 17 fans.

  2. 3 God
    February 28, 2011 at 9:48 am

    I’m really going to soak in your last post here. In case you didn’t hear, the Mexican Gang Population of Los Angeles officially has a bounty out for your head…idiot.

  3. 4 Pam @writewrds
    February 28, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Painful way to part. Although at least she was conscious. : )

    Visitor #3 so far…..

  4. February 28, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    I’m tempted to break up with James Franco but since I’m used to having boyfriends get stoned when they have to do something important – he can stay.

  5. March 1, 2011 at 2:48 am

    At least I know who James Franco is now. Pitiful as that is. Sorry about Anne. I know it’s tough.

  6. March 1, 2011 at 4:39 am

    Wait, what does Tom Hanks have to do with Gone with the Wind? That was confusing.

  7. March 1, 2011 at 8:20 am

    I think they were both stoned. Great post.

  8. March 1, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    love the seinfeld references! and yeah they were horrible I cant believe franco made fun of ricky gervais and the golden globes before the oscars…gervais was actually funny. Keep posting because you sir are freakin hilarious! (:

  9. March 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    I”m sorry, I don’t love her. But I used to not love Scar Jo and now I do so it is possible I could change my mind. Love and Other Drugs was just the worst.

    PS: I asked you a question on my blog, mister. a-hem.

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