Dear Ally & Carolyn,
Do I owe you both apologies? Just one of you? Neither of you? It’s been a few months and I’m still not sure what the protocol here is.
So there I was, in some post Thanksgiving meal bliss watching some football on my parents big screen. And by bliss, I mean I couldn’t move, the button on my pants was undone, and there was a nice caucasian by my side (that is, a large White Russian, the drink. Not a human). I decided to peruse the current match.com scene as it had been a month or so and I wanted to see the fresh meat, err, I mean potential long term female relationship partners that were on there. As luck would have it, a girl with an intriguing profile & some cute pictures actually shot me an IM. That was you, Carolyn. We chatted for 30 minutes or so about music, and how stupid match.com was. It was very easy going and I found myself somewhat at ease with you. One would think it’d be normal to be at ease IMing with someone, but one would be surprised.
But, while we were IMing, I was browsing other profiles. Apparently, this was a dick move. Well, only because the one girl I decided to email was you, Ally. And only because the two of you happen to be effing roommates. Just my effing luck. Bottom line was this: After a few emails I thought I had more in common with Ally, and was also slightly more attracted to her…but since I talked to Carolyn first I was already cast as an asshole in your apartment.
I don’t need to discuss our awkward coffee date Ally…or how apparently I saw you at a bar one night Carolyn and didn’t say hello (it was Saturday at 1am, I was hammered, and I’d only seen online pictures of you, did you really expect me to recognize you?), or how I never spoke to either of you again. In some ways, I completely understand given just how awkward it is. But in most ways, it’s all a bunch of bullshit. Carolyn, you likened the situation to me buying you a drink at a bar but then halfway through the conversation turning to my right, buying another girl a drink and talking to her. But that isn’t true…you know why? Because we weren’t at an effing bar. We were talking on a dating service website. I didn’t realize we were exclusive already. Would you have cared if I was emailing another girl that wasn’t your roommate? Well, if the answer is ‘yes,’ then you are a crazy biatch. If the answer is ‘no,’ then how can I be an asshole just because of some crappy luck?
And Ally, I guess I understand why you seemed as comfortable as Charlie Sheen in a Church when we had coffee. I just wish we had met under different circumstances.
Anyway, according to facebook you are both now in relationships. I hope they go well, and if they don’t just pull the roommate swap.
Not an Asshole
*Grosse Pointe Blank (I’m not leaving town, fyi. I can’t wait to run into you at the bar one night).