Archive for April, 2011

21
Apr
11

dear nicholas sparks,

I have a feeling I’m going to piss a lot of people off with this letter, so I’m going to do my best to practice something I’m terrible at – brevity. I am not here to crap on your writing, because I have never read one of your books; nor am I here to crap on your movies, because I’ve only seen two – ‘The Notebook’ and ‘A Walk to Remember.’ Now, to put a frame of reference on the rest of this letter, I think you should know that for sentimental reasons, I actually enjoy both of these movies. They remind me of certain people, and a certain place, which makes them bearable. Plus staring at Rachel McAdams for 120 or so minutes isn’t the worst thing in the world.

But now to my point, based on these two movies alone (and I’m sure the same is true for some of your other works), you have made the mountain of dating females below the age of the 30 incredibly steep. How am I supposed to live up to the expectations set by the male leads in your films? Yeah, is Ryan Gosling kind of a prick for much of The Notebook? Of course he is. But he is that bad boy type, at least what I picture bad boys being back in the day, that even chicks in the 1940s had a thing for. And don’t get me started on James Garner…I mean, I know females that would jump his 80 year old bones today because of his portrayal of the elder Noah.

Then we have Landon, from A Walk to Remember, talk about setting the bar high. Guys my age tend to run at the first sight of baggage – “whoa, she has an overbearing mother…she probably has a few mental issues…see you later!” Or even the dreaded, “You should know now…I have an ex-boyfriend.” Yeah, that’s right, men can be giant p-words when it comes to certain things ((ok, so I don’t know any guys who have actually run because of those things, but we’ve all at least thought about it). But what does Landon do when he finds out his teenage girlfriend is going to die, he effing proposes to her!

You see what I’m getting at Nicholas, I beg of you, set the bar a little lower.

Thanks,

All males from the ages of 16-32.

15
Apr
11

You don’t know the first thing about love, because you don’t understand compromise*

Dear Lizzie,

I think you are perhaps the most important date(s) I’ve gone on in a long time. Our first date was a typical ‘meet for drinks,’ I expected to be out of there in an hour or so (sue me, I’m not the biggest optimist in the world, I mean it makes sense, just look at my track record). We sat and chatted for about three hours, and if your drop-off point wasn’t in such a brightly lit, public area, I definitely would’ve (tried) to make out with you. But alas, we made plans for a second date, which was good enough for me.

Warm, sunny days have not exactly been the norm around here, so we decided to take advantage of it and go for a leisurely stroll with your dog, who is awesome by the way. It was on this walk where I learned something important about what I need in a significant other. Obviously things in common are important, as is your laugh/beautiful smile/and to be completely honest a lovely looking chestal region. And we do have some stuff in common, after all without that I don’t think our conversation would be so free flowing. However, once you started going on about a summer filled with motorcycles, camping & manual labor I knew it wasn’t meant to be.

I was still contemplating whether or not we should do a full on dinner date to see if we could still manage, just because I do think we clicked on one level, until you asked what my plans were the rest of the weekend. Besides skiing and a concert, I told you about how I was psyched for Sunday afternoon because a few friends were coming over to watch the final round of the Masters & then the Red Sox/Yankees game. The disdain you had for both events really nailed in the coffin for us.

I used to think I’d rather date someone like you, a TOTAL non-sports fan, than a New York Yankee fan. I realize now that I was dead wrong. As this week crept by, and the Red Sox kept losing, and then the Bruins lost their opening playoff game to the effing Canadians, and I’m dealing with the stress of the impending Knicks-Celtics playoff series, I realized I need to date a sports fan. I need someone who can understand why I wasn’t in the best mood this week; or why I walked around Newark Int’l Airport aimlessly for 3 hours trying to choke back tears after the Jets beat the Patriots a few months ago; or why…ok you get the point, right?

Again, I don’t need someone who will be affected in the same way I am, because I understand I take it to the extreme, but it is who I am. I just need someone who would empathize with me…and who wouldn’t scoff at the idea of basing a Sunday afternoon around large sporting events.

Jeremy

ps – I hope you understand…because I’m sure you don’t want to be with someone who scoffs at the idea of riding a motorcycle two hundred miles into the middle of nowhere, starting a fire from scratch and sleeping in a tent, like myself.

*Closer – yes this quote is a bit overly dramatic with regards to the situation…but I was in a rush.

01
Apr
11

Dear Opening Day,

I’m just going to come right out and say it, I love you. I love you even more in 2011 because there are basically two opening days – yesterday was the first day of regular season baseball, and today I get to watch the real reason I don’t have a girlfriend, the Boston Red Sox. I’m only half serious with that comment, I am nothing like Jimmy Fallon in that lame-ass movie “Fever Pitch.” In fact, I hate that movie. However, for the next 180 days, the Red Sox will play on 162 of them (and then hopefully hopefully another 15 or so in October). As a result, I don’t feel a pressing need to find someone to spend time with, because when all else fails, I can always spend my evening with the Boston ‘Boys of Summer.’

Listen, I am not some assclown that gets really excited about opening day and then fades as the season goes on. Are there times where I pay a bit less attention to all things baseball? Of course…while the Celtics & Bruins make their respective Championship runs later this Spring (that let’s face it, will probably end in failure), I’ll be concentrating more on them. But there will not be a single night I go to sleep, or morning I wake up if the Sox are on the West Coast, where I don’t know how the Red Sox fared…or pretty much any other team for that matter.

I love it, I effing love baseball. I woke up this morning trying to pinpoint what it is about the sport that I love so much. The intricacies of the game are amazing once you’ve learned them; the dedication (in many cases, over-dedication) of Boston Red Sox fans is inspiring given all the heartache we endured over the years – for example, I wasn’t even alive in 1978 and I still want to punch Bucky ‘bleeping’ Dent in the mouth. But I was a baseball fan long before the magical 2004 World Series run, and even long before players like Nomar & Pedro made the Red Sox actual contenders. Watching the Red Sox in the 90′s was about as exciting as my “Basics of Magic Course” freshman year of college (hey don’t judge, we all needed to take a religion course).

So, while all that’s well and good, it still doesn’t explain how my love affair with baseball started in the first place. Then I looked back to what I did yesterday to celebrate Opening Day & it dawned on me. I watched all three games¬† that ESPN covered, and in between I watched the beginning, middle and end of “Field of Dreams.” At the end, as per usual, I shed a few tears. Simply put, I am pretty sure when I first saw this movie at the ripe old age of 8, I fell in love…and each subsequent time I view it (my guess is were are bordering on 50 or so),¬† I fall a little deeper. So, that being I said I’d like to wish all fans of all teams the best of luck this coming season, just a little more to the Red Sox…and just remember, “This field, this game: it’s a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again”




Letters sent…

April 2011
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