Archive for May, 2011

19
May
11

“We got three big weeks ahead of us. It’s wedding season, kid!” *

Dear Dee,

We’ve hung out two nights throughout the course of our lives, and both times I’ve desperately wanted to make out with you. The ironic thing is the first time we met, about two years ago, we were making fun of a couple in our group who had just gotten together and their public make out scene was vomit-inducing, at best. Fast forward 24 months and possibly 24 first (shite) dates, and we were again thrown together at said couple’s wedding.

I forget the exact reasons I didn’t make a move the first time around, probably some combination of the following: I don’t operate that quickly, we were with some of your extended family, I’m kind of a p-word. This time around though, the reason was far clearer: I can’t play the rat race that happens at weddings. Sure, I’ve been to some where there are seventeen single females looking to make out, but this situation was entirely different. You were literally the only eligible female at the event (not entirely true, but the other two I’m thinking of are in that friend zone).

From the rehearsal dinner on Friday night onwards (my speech alone should’ve been enough for you to want to tear my clothes off…I kid, I kid), it was clear that I would be competing with approximately a dozen single men for your attention. Perhaps if I didn’t know anyone else at the wedding my mindset might have been different…but there were about 75 people I knew there, and a good chunk of them I actually wanted to see (this is exactly the opposite of what happens when I go to the bar most weekends). Maybe if I was guaranteed at least a boob grab or something I would’ve made more of a concerted effort. I guess I just don’t see the point of spending all night at a wedding with some cool people pining after one girl’s (even if she is cute & fun) attention.

Is that abnormal? That I’d rather spend times celebrating with my (pseudo) family & friends than shower you with affection? Is this a sign of a bigger problem. If so, I might be f*cked, and not in a good way.

Oh, out of curiosity, if I had approached you somewhat early on Saturday and said, “listen…I’m not going to join in the competition for you, but just know that I’d love to make out later on if you want to,” what would you have said?

See you in a couple years I hope,

Jeremy

*Wedding Crashers

12
May
11

“man im so hyped right now…anything is possible…anything is possibllllllllleeeeeee!!!!!”*

Dear Big 3,

And by ‘big 3′ I mean Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Kevin Garnett. I am not including Rajon Rondo in this letter because he was not an original member, and he will be a Boston Celtic for hopefully a long time to come…something I’m not sure I can say for the other three.

Sure, Pierce will remain in Boston and retire in the famed Green & White (in this day and age, it would be a miracle for him to play in one place his entire career), but how many years do his legs have left? There is a decent chance Ray Allen will opt out, and Ainge will dangle Garnett & his contract as trade bait. It’s not that these guys aren’t good anymore, it’s just that they are one season (and 6 minutes of a game 7) removed from being a true title contender.

And as a result I, and the entire city of Boston, must break up with you. It has been an amazing four year run though guys, and I’ll always remember it fondly. On top of that, based on this blog it has clearly been the longest relationship I’ve had to date. In a lot of ways it’s been similar to a real relationship: honeymoon period went amazingly well (title in year one), followed by a tenuous year two where things got a little bit stale (upset by Orlando in Round 2). I thought about breaking up with you then, but we managed to rebound in a big way in our third year together…perhaps it was the inclusion of some kinkiness in the bedroom (in this metaphor, we’ll equate that to Rondo turning into an MVP candidate), but whatever it was we nearly won another title last year. But then we held on too long; lets face it, all year we knew this was kind of over. We tried to make it work and see if we could get over the hump one last time…and failed.

Though I don’t wish any ill will upon you, I hope we can remain friends. However, should any of you play for another team (aka date another guy) I will boo and hiss you just like I do any ex. No, that’s not true…I’ll look at you and always be reminded of this moment, and be forever grateful.

Love always,

Jeremy

*Kevin Garnett

08
May
11

“As usual, she has the last word” *

Dear Mom,

I think it is kind of fitting that I give you a mother’s day shout out on this blog, given it is you that are constantly reminding me that I indeed only have ex-girlfriends, and nothing current. “Why don’t I have grandkids to spoil yet?” is a question you bellow out far too often. You want the honest answer…because I’m not done being spoiled yet ;) I know you avoid trying to be a prototypical Jewish mother as much as possible, but you fail kind of miserably.

That being said, you are an amazing woman, wife & mother and I love that you are still a major part of my life. You provide me with some much needed backbone & strength that I’m not sure too many mothers do help provide. I am not going to get all superlative like and call you the “world’s best mom,” but you are certainly the best mother I could ever have hoped for.

Now, THAT being said, even though they say us guys end up with woman similar to their mom’s, I  hope my future wife doesn’t nag me quite as much as you do!

Love,

Your son

*Mommie Dearest (of course)




Letters sent…

May 2011
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