Dear Lebron,

Sometimes breakups don’t always go as expected, do they? You traded in your ex-girlfriend, who was basically the equivalent of your childhood sweetheart. A loyal, kind, homely girlfriend who always treated you with nothing short of reverence. But that wasn’t enough for you…you wanted the glitz and glamor of the the high school prom queen. Well how’d that turn out for you?

So far, all she did was take a giant dump on your head. Not only that, all the rest of the kids in high school hate you for what you did to your ex. But as you said, “they have to wake up tomorrow & have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” As do you “King” James…a life without a single championship ring (or without a single low post move, but that is for another time).

You come up with excuse after excuse for why you broke up with your ex, on national tv no less, and now we are going to have to deal with an offseason full of excuses as to why you and your current girlfriend aren’t working out too well yet either. You might blame her parents (for the purposes of this metaphor, Spolestra = parents) for not giving you enough control, you might blame her for not being totally over her former lover (Wade), but you certainly won’t blame yourself for failing to dance with her during the king/queen, when it really mattered (aka the 4th quarter).

The bottom line is, only YOU created this world where we have to wake up and live the same lives as before you blew yet another year of your career…but if you hadn’t dicked over your ex so badly, we wouldn’t loathe you like we do.

Signed, 99.9% of NBA fans

ps – I know the metaphor go a bit carried away, but it’s Monday at 8 am…give me a freaking break.

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6 Responses to “Dear Lebron,”

  1. 1 L.A.
    June 18, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Ugh. I can’t wait for more letters that aren’t about basketball. BUT if you want to write a letter to Luongo for being an asswipe, or to Gary Bettman for being himself, I wouldn’t complain.

  2. 4 L.A.
    June 18, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Nah, Vancouver lost because obviously the Bruins wanted it more. And because Luongo is too greasy to be allowed to touch the cup. Bettman is just all around an unhappy character. I probably would be one of the people chanting “Bettman sucks” if I had been at the game.

  3. June 20, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Here is a good article that sums up the feeling in Cleveland pretty well:
    LeBron’s failure warms Cleveland’s heart

  4. July 7, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    I love, love, love this. I am definitely a part of your 99.9% here. Watching him fall in the finals was one of the greatest moments of my NBA watching career.

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June 2011
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