Archive for the 'Middle School' Category

23
Feb
11

Dear Chunk,

I bet you never thought you’d end up on a blog like this, right? Where I waste all my time and hard-earned money reminiscing about females that for one reason or another, won’t give me the time of day. Well, thought it was probably a safe assumption on your part, I think we all know what happens when one assumes. No, they don’t make an “ass” out of “u” and “me,” because in no way does you ending up on this blog make you an ass, and it sure as shit doesn’t make me an ass. All it does is mean your assumption was wrong, I hate that effing saying.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to have watched you shine yet again yesterday. Even more fortunate – it was on bluray, on a high-def, 100+inch projection screen. Could it be possible that there was even more fortune involved…yes! There was good beer, good snacks, a few choice friends, and even some of that stuff that lots of people like in Vermont and it should be legalized, yet I digress. Bottom line is, it was about the 100th time I’ve watched you shout lines like, “I love the dark. But I hate nature, I HATE nature;” or, “Ok Brand, Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house, to use the bathroom…but his sister did;” or even, “Hey Mikey this is great…all we have are old Chanukah decorations in our house.” (FYI, I did not copy and paste any part of those quotes, I knew them from memory…I can’t decide if this is a good thing or not). And you know what, dear friend, you grow on me more and more each time.

I think it’s because the older I get, the more complicated life becomes; and the shenanigans you and the rest of the Goonies get into simply remind me of a time when I didn’t care about things like health insurance, a career, or females. A time when I could get as much joy of making fun of my overweight friend as I could talking to a cute girl. Even yesterday, the friends I was with, well it was another guy and two girls. Both of us guys have some level of interest in one of the females we were with…but there was no tension, because we were watching a timeless classic about how effing sweet it is to be an innocent kid.

Maybe it’s all that…or maybe it’s just because seeing the “Truffle Shuffle” on the big screen was sweet.

Thanks man,

A fellow Jew

ps – If someone tries to get you to make “Goonies 2,” please say no. Thanks.

29
Dec
10

“i am not a smart man, but i know what love is”*

Dear Alabama,

I really owe you an apology.  I treated you like an absolute ass for the duration of our relationship.  I guess the truth of the matter is it was just one of those times in my life when I feel like I NEEDED a girlfriend.  You see, I had just started 7th grade and had yet to do anything substantial with a female (and by substantial, I mean making out for an hour after school under the bleachers).  But the thing is, once we started going steady, I closed up.  I didn’t know how to deal with such a meaningful relationship with a female. I had absolutely no idea what “going out,” meant.  I thought I could just tell my friends and family (who I think were already trying to pressure me) that I had a girlfriend, and all was right with the world.

For the life of me, I can’t remember a single thing the two of us did together, as a couple.  How long did it actually last? A week, two at most.  I vaguely remember trying to coordinate a date at the movies, but I think your mom had an issue with you seeing ‘Schindlers List’ at such a young age.  I guess that makes sense, you were but a 6th grader, or your mom was just secretly anti-semitic, I’m not sure.  Anyway, I wonder what would have happened if we had done something, could two pre-pubescent kids have fallen in love? Ah, what a daydream that is.

Truth be told, we never had a chance.  Why the hell did you even say yes to me in the first place?  Do you remember how I went about asking you out? I sure as hell do.  I think we had talked once before our Wednesday morning assembly that week, and you must have smiled at me because I thought for sure you’d want to be my girlfriend after that.  So as we sung our school song to finish the meeting, I subbed in the words “Alabama will you go out with me?” for one of the last lines of the song.  Holy crap, I’m getting that cold nervous sweat I had just admitting that to the general public.  What a jackass.

Well, honestly, that’s it. I have nothing else I can write here.  I doubt we’ve even conversed since  I finished middle school and I don’t even think, wait hold on a second…nope, we aren’t even facebook friends.  Anyway, hope the men you have been with since have been better at the whole communication thing than I was.

Sincerely,

Jackass.

ps – you know this was almost entirely sarcastic, right? Unfortunately the way I asked you out was 100% true. Eff my life.

* Forrest Gump (turns out i am a smart man, and i dont know what love is – then or now!)

09
Dec
10

“i guess i’ll cancel that order of onions and limburger cheese I made for lunch today”*

(editor’s note: this is a repost of my first letter. wordpress is apparently finally picking up on my tags so i thought i’d test it out with my favorite letter so far. if you have already read this, sorry).

Dear Margaret,
It’s amazing how one event from childhood can have such enduring consequences for an adult.  If we are talking in terms of the famous “Butterfly Effect,” our almost makeout was the butterfly, and my prolonged inability to deal with members of the opposite sex would be the resulting earthquake in Taipei. I don’t really blame you though.  How could I? If I were you, I definitely would have turned away in disgust at my approaching, slightly parted lips.

There we all were, a cohesive unit of preppy middle schoolers enjoying a sunny afternoon at a local ice-cream parlor on the water.  We were all dressed the same: khakis and an untucked button down with Sambas.  Of course, the button down was probably a bit beat up, perhaps even had holes in it, to show off our rebellious side; or in my case, my obsession with Seattle rock music.  Most ordered ice cream, which took forever because the 87-year-old woman behind the counter would have had a difficult time scooping jello let alone rock hard ice cream. I was stupid enough to order a slice of pizza, frozen Ellios pizza at that.  Little did I know that holding hands with you earlier that day would be the apex of my career with women, and that damned slice of pizza would lead directly to my lowest point.

Minutes later, after giving in to the prodding of my ‘friends,’ I decided our first kiss should be a public show, while we leant awkwardly on our bicycles.  So I looked longingly in your eyes (notice I wasn’t staring at your chest, which for a 7th grader wasn’t half bad if memory serves me correctly), and parted those lips…

Haven’t had a slice since…

Not only did the sun reflect blindingly off my braces, but also was further melting the cheese from the pizza that was firmly lodged throughout the metal. Actually, the sun couldn’t have been THAT blinding, if it had been you probably would have at least let me peck you on the lips. No no, I don’t blame you.  I blame lots of people ranging from my Orthodontist who claimed my braces would only be in for 12-18 months (he was only off by a year) to my friends who triple effing dog dared me to try and kiss you goodbye.  Those a-holes knew the whole time what would happen.  I lean in, you turn away, I kiss air, everyone laughs.  About as predictable as me not laughing at 2.5 Men.

And now here I sit, about 15 years later and every subsequent relationship I’ve had with a female is somehow connected back to you.  I still get nervous at every first kiss, and fifth kiss for that matter; even though my dietary habits (and flossing habits) are far superior than frozen pizza, and even though I now understand the difference between mint waxed and woven.

The other thing about our relationship is that it really never should have happened in the first place; you were way out of my league.  I was playing up at least two divisions.  And today I am still trying to do that.  It’s a lot easier to jump from AA ball to the majors at 13 than it is at 29.

That’s it, for now anyway.  I might send you another letter down the line, see if I’ve learned anything else from you, besides how to floss my teeth. And well, I guess you also showed me what Kasey Kasem meant by, “Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.”  The only problem is I never really listened to Kasey, except when he hosted the dance-off at the Max that Screech and Lisa won with ‘The Sprain’.  Christ, even Screech had more luck with Lisa than I had with you.

Until Next Time,

Ellio

* Wet Hot American Summer

02
Dec
10

you don’t want to be named as anybody’s girlfriend, and now you’re someone’s wife? *

Dear Margaret (x 2),

Sorry for bothering you again, as if my first letter to you wasn’t enough.  But I just caught wind of the fact that you are now engaged, of course I heard it via facebook.  I figure as your first boyfriend I deserved you flying to me and at least telling me face to face.  Ok, a phone call? Then again I guess if you had a list of people to call directly about your great news, I would rank somewhere between 87th and 1,060th, so I understand.

 

We were never really this happy anyway...Photo Courtesy of NYTimes

 

 

Let’s get the obvious out of the way first – congratulations.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  You were my first ‘girlfriend,’ so it’s not as if I hold some grudge that goes back 15 years.  We were friends throughout high school, and have kept in touch just enough for me to know that you deserve all the happiness that has come to you recently, and is coming your way in the future.  That’s really it…and yes I realize the quote doesn’t exactly fit – since it wasn’t the label of girlfriend you didn’t like, it was more about me trying to kiss you with cheese in my braces; and you aren’t someone’s wife quite yet.  You will be though, soon, and I couldn’t be happier for you.

Though I guess I do regret I never actually got to kiss you,

If you invite me, please place me next to some hot bridesmaids…

Ellio

* 500 Days of Summer




Letters sent…

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