Archive Page 2

19
May
11

“We got three big weeks ahead of us. It’s wedding season, kid!” *

Dear Dee,

We’ve hung out two nights throughout the course of our lives, and both times I’ve desperately wanted to make out with you. The ironic thing is the first time we met, about two years ago, we were making fun of a couple in our group who had just gotten together and their public make out scene was vomit-inducing, at best. Fast forward 24 months and possibly 24 first (shite) dates, and we were again thrown together at said couple’s wedding.

I forget the exact reasons I didn’t make a move the first time around, probably some combination of the following: I don’t operate that quickly, we were with some of your extended family, I’m kind of a p-word. This time around though, the reason was far clearer: I can’t play the rat race that happens at weddings. Sure, I’ve been to some where there are seventeen single females looking to make out, but this situation was entirely different. You were literally the only eligible female at the event (not entirely true, but the other two I’m thinking of are in that friend zone).

From the rehearsal dinner on Friday night onwards (my speech alone should’ve been enough for you to want to tear my clothes off…I kid, I kid), it was clear that I would be competing with approximately a dozen single men for your attention. Perhaps if I didn’t know anyone else at the wedding my mindset might have been different…but there were about 75 people I knew there, and a good chunk of them I actually wanted to see (this is exactly the opposite of what happens when I go to the bar most weekends). Maybe if I was guaranteed at least a boob grab or something I would’ve made more of a concerted effort. I guess I just don’t see the point of spending all night at a wedding with some cool people pining after one girl’s (even if she is cute & fun) attention.

Is that abnormal? That I’d rather spend times celebrating with my (pseudo) family & friends than shower you with affection? Is this a sign of a bigger problem. If so, I might be f*cked, and not in a good way.

Oh, out of curiosity, if I had approached you somewhat early on Saturday and said, “listen…I’m not going to join in the competition for you, but just know that I’d love to make out later on if you want to,” what would you have said?

See you in a couple years I hope,

Jeremy

*Wedding Crashers

12
May
11

“man im so hyped right now…anything is possible…anything is possibllllllllleeeeeee!!!!!”*

Dear Big 3,

And by ‘big 3′ I mean Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Kevin Garnett. I am not including Rajon Rondo in this letter because he was not an original member, and he will be a Boston Celtic for hopefully a long time to come…something I’m not sure I can say for the other three.

Sure, Pierce will remain in Boston and retire in the famed Green & White (in this day and age, it would be a miracle for him to play in one place his entire career), but how many years do his legs have left? There is a decent chance Ray Allen will opt out, and Ainge will dangle Garnett & his contract as trade bait. It’s not that these guys aren’t good anymore, it’s just that they are one season (and 6 minutes of a game 7) removed from being a true title contender.

And as a result I, and the entire city of Boston, must break up with you. It has been an amazing four year run though guys, and I’ll always remember it fondly. On top of that, based on this blog it has clearly been the longest relationship I’ve had to date. In a lot of ways it’s been similar to a real relationship: honeymoon period went amazingly well (title in year one), followed by a tenuous year two where things got a little bit stale (upset by Orlando in Round 2). I thought about breaking up with you then, but we managed to rebound in a big way in our third year together…perhaps it was the inclusion of some kinkiness in the bedroom (in this metaphor, we’ll equate that to Rondo turning into an MVP candidate), but whatever it was we nearly won another title last year. But then we held on too long; lets face it, all year we knew this was kind of over. We tried to make it work and see if we could get over the hump one last time…and failed.

Though I don’t wish any ill will upon you, I hope we can remain friends. However, should any of you play for another team (aka date another guy) I will boo and hiss you just like I do any ex. No, that’s not true…I’ll look at you and always be reminded of this moment, and be forever grateful.

Love always,

Jeremy

*Kevin Garnett

08
May
11

“As usual, she has the last word” *

Dear Mom,

I think it is kind of fitting that I give you a mother’s day shout out on this blog, given it is you that are constantly reminding me that I indeed only have ex-girlfriends, and nothing current. “Why don’t I have grandkids to spoil yet?” is a question you bellow out far too often. You want the honest answer…because I’m not done being spoiled yet ;) I know you avoid trying to be a prototypical Jewish mother as much as possible, but you fail kind of miserably.

That being said, you are an amazing woman, wife & mother and I love that you are still a major part of my life. You provide me with some much needed backbone & strength that I’m not sure too many mothers do help provide. I am not going to get all superlative like and call you the “world’s best mom,” but you are certainly the best mother I could ever have hoped for.

Now, THAT being said, even though they say us guys end up with woman similar to their mom’s, I  hope my future wife doesn’t nag me quite as much as you do!

Love,

Your son

*Mommie Dearest (of course)

21
Apr
11

dear nicholas sparks,

I have a feeling I’m going to piss a lot of people off with this letter, so I’m going to do my best to practice something I’m terrible at – brevity. I am not here to crap on your writing, because I have never read one of your books; nor am I here to crap on your movies, because I’ve only seen two – ‘The Notebook’ and ‘A Walk to Remember.’ Now, to put a frame of reference on the rest of this letter, I think you should know that for sentimental reasons, I actually enjoy both of these movies. They remind me of certain people, and a certain place, which makes them bearable. Plus staring at Rachel McAdams for 120 or so minutes isn’t the worst thing in the world.

But now to my point, based on these two movies alone (and I’m sure the same is true for some of your other works), you have made the mountain of dating females below the age of the 30 incredibly steep. How am I supposed to live up to the expectations set by the male leads in your films? Yeah, is Ryan Gosling kind of a prick for much of The Notebook? Of course he is. But he is that bad boy type, at least what I picture bad boys being back in the day, that even chicks in the 1940s had a thing for. And don’t get me started on James Garner…I mean, I know females that would jump his 80 year old bones today because of his portrayal of the elder Noah.

Then we have Landon, from A Walk to Remember, talk about setting the bar high. Guys my age tend to run at the first sight of baggage – “whoa, she has an overbearing mother…she probably has a few mental issues…see you later!” Or even the dreaded, “You should know now…I have an ex-boyfriend.” Yeah, that’s right, men can be giant p-words when it comes to certain things ((ok, so I don’t know any guys who have actually run because of those things, but we’ve all at least thought about it). But what does Landon do when he finds out his teenage girlfriend is going to die, he effing proposes to her!

You see what I’m getting at Nicholas, I beg of you, set the bar a little lower.

Thanks,

All males from the ages of 16-32.

15
Apr
11

You don’t know the first thing about love, because you don’t understand compromise*

Dear Lizzie,

I think you are perhaps the most important date(s) I’ve gone on in a long time. Our first date was a typical ‘meet for drinks,’ I expected to be out of there in an hour or so (sue me, I’m not the biggest optimist in the world, I mean it makes sense, just look at my track record). We sat and chatted for about three hours, and if your drop-off point wasn’t in such a brightly lit, public area, I definitely would’ve (tried) to make out with you. But alas, we made plans for a second date, which was good enough for me.

Warm, sunny days have not exactly been the norm around here, so we decided to take advantage of it and go for a leisurely stroll with your dog, who is awesome by the way. It was on this walk where I learned something important about what I need in a significant other. Obviously things in common are important, as is your laugh/beautiful smile/and to be completely honest a lovely looking chestal region. And we do have some stuff in common, after all without that I don’t think our conversation would be so free flowing. However, once you started going on about a summer filled with motorcycles, camping & manual labor I knew it wasn’t meant to be.

I was still contemplating whether or not we should do a full on dinner date to see if we could still manage, just because I do think we clicked on one level, until you asked what my plans were the rest of the weekend. Besides skiing and a concert, I told you about how I was psyched for Sunday afternoon because a few friends were coming over to watch the final round of the Masters & then the Red Sox/Yankees game. The disdain you had for both events really nailed in the coffin for us.

I used to think I’d rather date someone like you, a TOTAL non-sports fan, than a New York Yankee fan. I realize now that I was dead wrong. As this week crept by, and the Red Sox kept losing, and then the Bruins lost their opening playoff game to the effing Canadians, and I’m dealing with the stress of the impending Knicks-Celtics playoff series, I realized I need to date a sports fan. I need someone who can understand why I wasn’t in the best mood this week; or why I walked around Newark Int’l Airport aimlessly for 3 hours trying to choke back tears after the Jets beat the Patriots a few months ago; or why…ok you get the point, right?

Again, I don’t need someone who will be affected in the same way I am, because I understand I take it to the extreme, but it is who I am. I just need someone who would empathize with me…and who wouldn’t scoff at the idea of basing a Sunday afternoon around large sporting events.

Jeremy

ps – I hope you understand…because I’m sure you don’t want to be with someone who scoffs at the idea of riding a motorcycle two hundred miles into the middle of nowhere, starting a fire from scratch and sleeping in a tent, like myself.

*Closer – yes this quote is a bit overly dramatic with regards to the situation…but I was in a rush.

01
Apr
11

Dear Opening Day,

I’m just going to come right out and say it, I love you. I love you even more in 2011 because there are basically two opening days – yesterday was the first day of regular season baseball, and today I get to watch the real reason I don’t have a girlfriend, the Boston Red Sox. I’m only half serious with that comment, I am nothing like Jimmy Fallon in that lame-ass movie “Fever Pitch.” In fact, I hate that movie. However, for the next 180 days, the Red Sox will play on 162 of them (and then hopefully hopefully another 15 or so in October). As a result, I don’t feel a pressing need to find someone to spend time with, because when all else fails, I can always spend my evening with the Boston ‘Boys of Summer.’

Listen, I am not some assclown that gets really excited about opening day and then fades as the season goes on. Are there times where I pay a bit less attention to all things baseball? Of course…while the Celtics & Bruins make their respective Championship runs later this Spring (that let’s face it, will probably end in failure), I’ll be concentrating more on them. But there will not be a single night I go to sleep, or morning I wake up if the Sox are on the West Coast, where I don’t know how the Red Sox fared…or pretty much any other team for that matter.

I love it, I effing love baseball. I woke up this morning trying to pinpoint what it is about the sport that I love so much. The intricacies of the game are amazing once you’ve learned them; the dedication (in many cases, over-dedication) of Boston Red Sox fans is inspiring given all the heartache we endured over the years – for example, I wasn’t even alive in 1978 and I still want to punch Bucky ‘bleeping’ Dent in the mouth. But I was a baseball fan long before the magical 2004 World Series run, and even long before players like Nomar & Pedro made the Red Sox actual contenders. Watching the Red Sox in the 90′s was about as exciting as my “Basics of Magic Course” freshman year of college (hey don’t judge, we all needed to take a religion course).

So, while all that’s well and good, it still doesn’t explain how my love affair with baseball started in the first place. Then I looked back to what I did yesterday to celebrate Opening Day & it dawned on me. I watched all three games  that ESPN covered, and in between I watched the beginning, middle and end of “Field of Dreams.” At the end, as per usual, I shed a few tears. Simply put, I am pretty sure when I first saw this movie at the ripe old age of 8, I fell in love…and each subsequent time I view it (my guess is were are bordering on 50 or so),  I fall a little deeper. So, that being I said I’d like to wish all fans of all teams the best of luck this coming season, just a little more to the Red Sox…and just remember, “This field, this game: it’s a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again”

30
Mar
11

If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you.*

Dear Lizzie,

I had a nice time the other night, I really did. For a first date/second meet up ( a 20 minute beer doesn’t really count as a date, does it?). We sat at the bar, enjoyed a couple tasty beverages, some delicious food, and talked continuously for about two hours. We covered a wide variety of topics, ranging from incredibly awkward first dates, weird exes, and what the chances of Geno Auriemma & Pat Summit having some kind of sexual relationship and when they berate each other in public it’s all just part of their cover up. Then, after I treated, I walked you to your car and we had a decent little makeout session considering some guy was smoking a cigarette on his stoop a mere 20 yards away.

But I got home and realized that was probably the wrong thing for me to do. Unless I completely misread the situation (and given I need this blog as a way to try to understand women, it is entirely possible I did in fact do just that), I think you wanted to make out because you are, to a certain degree anyway, into me. I, and I promise I only realized this AFTER the fact, wanted to make out…well, to make out. Since I didn’t take it any further, I don’t feel TOO badly, but there is still some serious Jewish guilt marinating in my head.

On my drive home I was psyched that our date went so sell, and I made out with someone for the first time in god knows how long. But after five minutes of reading what happened in the sports world that evening, I found myself perusing the online dating scene…and when I saw someone I had emailed had actually returned an email of her own, I was even more psyched. That made what had probably been subconsciously running in the back of my mind all night obvious…I’m not that into you.

There is no real concrete reason I can give you…you are cute, smart, funny, successful, into sports, that list goes on and on…I just know that there have been other girls I’ve been out with who after the first or second date I could care less about anyone else on the match.com site. Yes, I realize this is not dating, but I think I’ve been over this before in previous letters. I date about as well as Charlie Sheen does sober, or Rebecca Black sings. I’m either into you or I’m not…

Sorry,

Jeremy

ps – for those reading who think I am actually going to use this as a means to telling this girl I don’t think we should go on any further dates, remember this is anonymous…so she won’t actually read it. I WILL indeed tell her this in a less cowardly manner (ie text message…just kidding, calm down…at least I will use the phone).

*He’s Just Not That Into You ( I will call, by the way, you just might not be a fan of the convo…)




Letters sent…

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