Posts Tagged ‘drinking

07
Feb
11

“…the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.”*

Dear Katherine,

Despite all my Ben Roethlisberger ‘sexual predator/rapist’ themed tweets and jokes recently (and yes, I do believe karma served him an entrée dinner last night), I do not take those types of allegations lightly. So, I am not going to accuse you of sexually assaulting me, but I think it might have been as close to a Law & Order SVU type crime I’ve ever been a part of.

As per usual in my early 20′s, during a night off at summer camp, I was not sober/drunk/shitfaced/inebriated and probably a teeny bit stoned as well. As per usual, there were about twenty other kids my age (half male/half female) in more or less the same exact state. As per usual, we had rented out a 2 bedroom condo that could sleep about 25% of the attendees, so needless to say there was lots of forced spooning and floor sleeping…and since I’d rather spoon with anyone than sleep on the floor, you and I ended up in a twin bed together. It’s not as if you were bad-looking or anything like that, it’s just that when sober, I found you incredibly annoying and immature. Of course, you were 18 years old and had not yet spent a semester at college, so pretty much par for the course. Oh, and it’s not as if I was way older than you, I was not even 21 yet, but I’ve always been mature (as I’m sure my other letters portray).

Anyway, I had no interest in hooking up with you, which I thought I made clear by shifting my position in the bed so I was not facing you, and passed out. This has been, by the way, my biggest issue when it comes to making out (and by making out, I mean getting laid). I have standards, and those standards involve more than just a pretty face or a hot body. If your personality sucks, chances are I have no interest in hooking up with you, I just (un)fortunately missed out on that DNA (un = my ‘head’, fortunately = my head…get it?).

I thought I had accomplished my goal when I started to dream…only problem was my dream involved us making out and your hand slowly moving from my chest downwards. Then I came too (read: I woke up, get your mind out of the effing gutter), and guess what? We were making out and your hand was at my belly button. Well, I’m only human so I kind of got into it. Unfortunately for myself, and probably more for your ego, the other thing that started to happen was the tequila shots from a few hours before starting to resurrect themselves in my esophagus. I blustered out a, “one sec…I need to run to the bathroom,’ hoping you’d think I just needed to take a leak…but there is no way you didn’t hear my wretching.

Bottom line is this, I want to state for the record that A. I was not puking at the idea of hooking up with you B. While you didn’t sexually assault me, I feel like Benson & Stabler would’ve successfully forced a confession out of you on Law & Order: SVU, and finally, C. I totally understand why you didn’t let me back into the bed.

Even though I brushed my teeth after I was done vomiting.

*Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

24
Jan
11

Wanna get drunk and fool around? *

Dear Shelly,

Thanks for making my 23rd birthday so memorable. For once, I had people to celebrate with me on my special day. Typically, it came at the end of summer right after camp, and right before school. However, for some reason in 2004 the end of camp coincided precisely with my day of entry into this great world. Crap, what started out as an upbeat letter just became incredibly depressing for me to write. Was I really going to summer camp in my mid 20′s? The answer, obviously (and somewhat pathetically), is you are goddamned right I was! And if that isn’t pathetic enough, I’ll be going back this summer since I have nothing else to do. If you don’t think I’m not-so-secretly psyched about this, you are an effing moron. Anyway, back to you, Shelly…maybe you can come back to and we can make out again on my birthday?

So since it was the end of camp, it was also counselor party, and naturally, we were pretty much all s-faced. Not the owner of camp however, he has been banned from the party since the mid 90s for hitting on females a couple of generations younger than him, which if you ask me, is awesome. Anyhoo, since it was my birfday someone had grabbed hold of some champagne bottles, made a toast and gave me a bottle of my own, which I guzzled. Quickly. So quickly in fact that I felt the need to regurgitate some quality camp food. So, I made a solo lap around the camp grounds, did a bit of puking, all while trying my best to finish the bottle. I accomplished this, stuffed three pieces of gum in my mouth and made my way back to the group.

Upon return I thought it would be a good idea to announce, “Ok, who is going behind the cabin to make out with me…it is my birthday after all.” I really didn’t think it would lead to much, but thanks to you Shelly, I did indeed get a pretty sweet makeout session that night.  There was a butt grab here, a boob grab there, and all was right with the world; even though I’m pretty sure you went and did more than make out with the camp man-whore later that night. I can’t really begrudge you that though, there is no way I would have been able to perform given my state. I probably would’ve acted a lot like Mark Sanchez did last night…totally frazzled and appear completely out of place for much of the session, before trying my best towards the end to make up for it, before screwing it up again at the end. Only it would have been you I would’ve annoyed, not an entire fan base. Yet I digress.

I think we’ve covered it well though…like I said, thanks for making out with me.

Scott (oh wait, that’s the guy you effed after making out with me).

ps – I’ll be 30 at the end of this camp summer, think I can pull out the same lines?

*Jaws




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