Posts Tagged ‘facebook

10
Mar
11

dear readers,

Since we are indeed getting MORE snow, I’m off to the mountain again to get some skiing in. As annoying as it is shoveling out my car, and driveway, and driving on crappy roads…I know ski season is coming to a close soon so I have to get it in while I can. Oh, wait…my car resides in a garage and the condo association provides plowing, so strike most of that last sentence. I did want to leave you with a brief PSA: Thanks to Ramblings of a Singleton for featuring me on their blog today. As a relatively new blogger, I was honored that someone would ask to use one of my letters for their  site. No sarcasm there, just honest to goodness thanks.

Now, everyone enjoy your 9-5′s, peace. And oh yeah, like me on facebook for eff’s sake; I feel like we could have a good time over there talking crap about ourselves and our X’s.

I love you all, but not as much as I love fresh snow.

Love,

Dear Ex (how many of you thought I was going to drop my real name there? Anyone?)

03
Mar
11

“I say forget about forgiving and just accept. And… get the hell out of town.”*

Dear Ally & Carolyn,

Do I owe you both apologies? Just one of you? Neither of you? It’s been a few months and I’m still not sure what the protocol here is.

So there I was, in some post Thanksgiving meal bliss watching some football on my parents big screen. And by bliss, I mean I couldn’t move, the button on my pants was undone, and there was a nice caucasian by my side (that is, a large White Russian, the drink. Not a human). I decided to peruse the current match.com scene as it had been a month or so and I wanted to see the fresh meat, err, I mean potential long term female relationship partners that were on there. As luck would have it, a girl with an intriguing profile & some cute pictures actually shot me an IM. That was you, Carolyn. We chatted for 30 minutes or so about music, and how stupid match.com was. It was very easy going and I found myself somewhat at ease with you. One would think it’d be normal to be at ease IMing with someone, but one would be surprised.

But, while we were IMing, I was browsing other profiles. Apparently, this was a dick move. Well, only because the one girl I decided to email was you, Ally. And only because the two of you happen to be effing roommates. Just my effing luck. Bottom line was this: After a few emails I thought I had more in common with Ally, and was also slightly more attracted to her…but since I talked to Carolyn first I was already cast as an asshole in your apartment.

I don’t need to discuss our awkward coffee date Ally…or how apparently I saw you at a bar one night Carolyn and didn’t say hello (it was Saturday at 1am, I was hammered, and I’d only seen online pictures of you, did you really expect me to recognize you?), or how I never spoke to either of you again. In some ways, I completely understand given just how awkward it is. But in most ways, it’s all a bunch of bullshit. Carolyn, you likened the situation to me buying you a drink at a bar but then halfway through the conversation turning to my right, buying another girl a drink and talking to her. But that isn’t true…you know why? Because we weren’t at an effing bar. We were talking on a dating service website. I didn’t realize we were exclusive already. Would you have cared if I was emailing another girl that wasn’t your roommate? Well, if the answer is ‘yes,’ then you are a crazy biatch. If the answer is ‘no,’ then how can I be an asshole just because of some crappy luck?

And Ally, I guess I understand why you seemed as comfortable as Charlie Sheen in a Church when we had coffee. I just wish we had met under different circumstances.

Anyway, according to facebook you are both now in relationships. I hope they go well, and if they don’t just pull the roommate swap.

Sincerely,

Not an Asshole

*Grosse Pointe Blank (I’m not leaving town, fyi. I can’t wait to run into you at the bar one night).

03
Jan
11

When we first started hanging out together, this morning, we were just friends; but things change, and I’ve fallen in love with you.*

Dear Helena,

You realize that if you knocked on my door today, and asked me to marry you there is about a 77% chance I’d say “yes.”  This is a very big deal, given a few things: 1. I’ve never been in what most would call a long term relationship, so jumping right into a marriage would be kind of a bold move. 2. While it’s cool you were in a movie with Robin Williams, said movie has less than a 5 rating on IMDB, so it would go against my nature to associate with someone from that (kidding, kind of). 3. I have not seen, or heard from you, since summer camp 1996, so you might no longer be tall, gorgeous, and sweet.

Yes...I was the cool kid who wore a hat to the camp banquet

I mean, for effs sake Helena, look at you (blurred face notwithstanding), how could I not have fallen in love with you back in the day.  Granted, we only had a few weeks a year to spend together, but perhaps it was the other 49 weeks where I built up the affection I have (I mean, had) for you.  It’s a damn good thing facebook and gchat weren’t around back then, I have a feeling you might have placed some kind of cyber-restraining order against me.  Speaking of which, why the hell are you still not on facebook?  I know you always went against the grain a bit, after all you were a hot girl who was best friends with me, but just give in and create an account, if only to reconnect.

Wait, this is supposed to be a letter to an ex…but you are not really an ex of any sort.  I was simply infatuated with you, and though I’m sure you knew it, it was never discussed.  I was a gangly, incredibly awkward 14 year old with a mouth full of braces (which seems to be a reoccurring theme in these old-school letters), and you were a 15 year old moviestar who looked 20; hence, there was extremely little point in trying to make you my girlfriend for the better part of July.  But honestly, that isn’t really important.

Not to be super cheesy, but what is important the friendship we had.  I did indeed cherish it…back then I thought it was because I got to spend copious amounts of time talking one on one to the hottest girl at camp during rest hours, pool or A’s & C’s (arts & crafts…hey I needed a rest from all the athletics and it was a great place to pick up chicks).  Actually, I just realized the last sentence is entirely true.  I think our friendship gave me a level of confidence with females that I didn’t have prior.  Becoming close and talking all the time with a beautiful female tends to have that effect on me…even if we weren’t making out after talking.  I realize that most of my letters make me appear like an insecure, sarcastic asshole, which is true of course, but I think without you, Helena, I’d be even worse off.

Hope all is well, wherever the hell you are,

Steak (as in, opposite of ‘Chicken’…get it? Of course you do, no one else does though!)

*Wet Hot American Summer

18
Dec
10

dear santa claus,

I feel like a bit of a fraud sending you a Christmas list, mainly because I was raised Jewish and never really celebrated Christmas growing up.  Oh, there is also that tiny fact that I am 29, but I’m sure every once in awhile you get some desperate plea for attention.  Anyway, here is what I want for Christmas this year (I guess just throw each one in my mudroom area, since I don’t have a tree?):

1. GPS Device: I recently spent a weekend in an unnamed east coast city, it was somewhat daunting and nerve-wracking driving around the city streets not really know where I’m going with a bunch of massholes.  Ok, you caught me…it was Boston.

2. Some good books.  I have lots of free time on my hands and I need some more inspiration for the novel I’m going to write…speaking of which…

3. Someone from Random House, Penguin or Pendant Publishing (preferably Elaine Benes) to stumble across this blog, appreciate my witty, self-deprecating humor to such an extent they ask me to write a book.

4. RETAINER. RE. TAIN. ER.

5. A female that I’m interested in and that is interested in me.  Note how I didn’t get all crazy and ask for a girlfriend…just the potential for one.  It would help if she were A. not psycho B. not necessarily a great cook but at least decent about grocery shopping, because I suck at it C. has some connections to the publishing world.

6. For The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Snooki and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast to vanish into obscurity, and somehow donate all their un-earned money to charity.  I don’t want them to fade away, that would happen anyway.  I want to wake up on Christmas morning and their fame simply cease to exist.

7. True Grit to be as good as I’m expecting it to be.

8. 100 twitter & facebook followers (hey, at least this one won’t cost anything except maybe some dignity)

9. Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez and the New York Jets to lose out and miss the playoffs.

10. A free month on match.com in order to make #5 a bit more realistic.  Actually screw that, if you’ve read any of my previous posts you’ll know this is just a waste.  How about you just make #5 appear on my front porch singing, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” on Christmas Eve.  It would be preferable if it was snowing lightly, and cold enough so that when I invite her in for hot cocoa in front of the fireplace (which I don’t have…damn that sounds super shady huh?) she will actually take me up on the offer.  This way, not only will I potentially have a girlfriend, I will also associate that song with happy memories, because as it stands for some reason the somberness of the song makes me want to crawl under my covers and cry. Well, it would be associated with happy memories, until of course…she just becomes another ex, and she gets one of these letters. Yet I digress.

Oh, and as for the milk and cookies, you are more than welcome to have your fair share, but I’m pretty sure the oreos are stale and the milk is spoiled. See items #5/#10 on my list if you’d like this rectified for the 2011 holiday season.

Sincerely,

The Lonely Jew on Christmas




Letters sent…

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