Posts Tagged ‘facebook


dear readers,

I am on the road for some job interview type crap (yeah, I said it…it’s crap, just give me a job.  Actually, I don’t really want one, I’d rather someone from a publishing company come along to this site, and ask me to turn these letters into a novel. But Chanukah has already passed.  Ok this parenthetical sentence has dragged on long enough).  So in lieu of an actual letter to some girl who broke my heart, or who wouldn’t french kiss me, or who I decided was not that good at the game of life, I’m going to do what every narcissistic blogger out there wants to do, but often doesn’t shamelessly self-promote, in my own post!

So, if you like my letters, or even if you don’t and simply want to show other people what a loser I am, than spread the good cheer:

Here is my brand new facebook community page, which will be tons of fun to check out once we get some banter going, and will be a good break from stalking exes of your own.  FYI, I warn you now at this point I can not “like” your page in return, I am trying my best to remain anonymous, at least for a little while…However, if you follow me on Twitter, I guarantee a return follow.

You know you are one anyway...might as well creep my blog page.

I realize this is incredibly shallow to do, but I’m having lots of fun writing this, and the response so far has been great…I just want more of it.  Normally I’d annoy my actual friends, but the whole anonymity thing.  Can you imagine if ‘Shannon’ read the letter I wrote to her earlier this week?  Actually, maybe she really would stop annoying me….hmmm?

Anyway, thanks and enjoy your respective weekends,

Dear Ex


you don’t want to be named as anybody’s girlfriend, and now you’re someone’s wife? *

Dear Margaret (x 2),

Sorry for bothering you again, as if my first letter to you wasn’t enough.  But I just caught wind of the fact that you are now engaged, of course I heard it via facebook.  I figure as your first boyfriend I deserved you flying to me and at least telling me face to face.  Ok, a phone call? Then again I guess if you had a list of people to call directly about your great news, I would rank somewhere between 87th and 1,060th, so I understand.


We were never really this happy anyway...Photo Courtesy of NYTimes



Let’s get the obvious out of the way first – congratulations.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  You were my first ‘girlfriend,’ so it’s not as if I hold some grudge that goes back 15 years.  We were friends throughout high school, and have kept in touch just enough for me to know that you deserve all the happiness that has come to you recently, and is coming your way in the future.  That’s really it…and yes I realize the quote doesn’t exactly fit – since it wasn’t the label of girlfriend you didn’t like, it was more about me trying to kiss you with cheese in my braces; and you aren’t someone’s wife quite yet.  You will be though, soon, and I couldn’t be happier for you.

Though I guess I do regret I never actually got to kiss you,

If you invite me, please place me next to some hot bridesmaids…


* 500 Days of Summer


It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history.*

Dear Kelly,

Does the title of this letter not say it all?  I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being part of history, we must have had the easiest breakup of all-time, or at the very least top 5.  It’s only fitting that I’m writing to you now, as it was just before Thanksgiving a year ago when we ended things.  Before I get to the night of our breakup, lets rehash our courtship (awesome word) and few months of dating first.

If they can do can we (photo courtesy of NBC)

You facebooked me, that was all it took.  I don’t think more than 10 words had ever passed between us and so your friend request was somewhat random in my book.  I figured, ‘eff it…here is a girl who is cute, single, in the area, successful, into lots of the same things, ask her out.’  So I did what any guy in his mid 20′s would do (and for the record, early 20′s = 20-23, mid 20′s = 24-28, late 20′s = 29), I asked if you were interested in grabbing dinner sometime….via facebook message.  You said yes.  I love how we didn’t even have each other’s phone numbers yet but we had still agreed to dinner.  Well we went out, met up with some mutual friends for some adult beverages after, and low and behold I was a bit too drunk to drive.  You were kind enough to let me crash at your place, we made out awhile (it had been a LOONG time since I made out), and we went to sleep.

Things progressed pretty naturally from there, some more dinners, some long phone conversations (some from foreign countries), romantic comedies, sleepovers with more than making out, etc etc etc.  And guess what? It was all very nice.  Unfortunately, that is about the nicest word I can use to describe those few months, nice.  Not only that, I’m 99% sure that is the best thing you can come up with as well.  Here is what I think: it had been a little while since either of us had someone consistent to spoon at night, and since I know I don’t do much of the casual hookup thing, it had been actually quite a long while for myself.  I think we both found some comfort in each other, we got along well enough, and it’s always nice to spend some easy-going time with someone you can make out with as well.  But I knew a couple weeks into it that we weren’t going to go too far.  And so did you.

Hence, when I came over the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and proclaimed, “I think we should talk,” you answered immediately, “I know.”  I gave some absurd, too long speech, about how I thought we were both great people, but not great for each other, and the bottom line is that we were settling because it was relatively easy to hang out, and like I said, making out is sweet.  Holy crap, talk about a run on sentence…yet I digress.  Anyway, you agreed, we hugged, I played with your dogs’ floppy ears one last time, and that was the end of it.

Here is the thing though…I kind of regret how I handled us.  Not the breakup, because by then it was needed…but how I more or less gave up on us two weeks in.  I often think one of my greatest strengths is my people judging skills, and I’m still 99% sure my reaction was correct – you are most definitely a catch, just not my catch.  But I can’t help but think about that 1%, and wonder if I need to let things marinate a bit longer before making important judgements, because once that judgement was made, it was done.

Ok sorry to go on a mini-serious rant, but I can’t be funny all the time.

Hope life is treating you well,

Jerry Seinfeld


Letters sent…

December 2012
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