Posts Tagged ‘family

19
May
11

“We got three big weeks ahead of us. It’s wedding season, kid!” *

Dear Dee,

We’ve hung out two nights throughout the course of our lives, and both times I’ve desperately wanted to make out with you. The ironic thing is the first time we met, about two years ago, we were making fun of a couple in our group who had just gotten together and their public make out scene was vomit-inducing, at best. Fast forward 24 months and possibly 24 first (shite) dates, and we were again thrown together at said couple’s wedding.

I forget the exact reasons I didn’t make a move the first time around, probably some combination of the following: I don’t operate that quickly, we were with some of your extended family, I’m kind of a p-word. This time around though, the reason was far clearer: I can’t play the rat race that happens at weddings. Sure, I’ve been to some where there are seventeen single females looking to make out, but this situation was entirely different. You were literally the only eligible female at the event (not entirely true, but the other two I’m thinking of are in that friend zone).

From the rehearsal dinner on Friday night onwards (my speech alone should’ve been enough for you to want to tear my clothes off…I kid, I kid), it was clear that I would be competing with approximately a dozen single men for your attention. Perhaps if I didn’t know anyone else at the wedding my mindset might have been different…but there were about 75 people I knew there, and a good chunk of them I actually wanted to see (this is exactly the opposite of what happens when I go to the bar most weekends). Maybe if I was guaranteed at least a boob grab or something I would’ve made more of a concerted effort. I guess I just don’t see the point of spending all night at a wedding with some cool people pining after one girl’s (even if she is cute & fun) attention.

Is that abnormal? That I’d rather spend times celebrating with my (pseudo) family & friends than shower you with affection? Is this a sign of a bigger problem. If so, I might be f*cked, and not in a good way.

Oh, out of curiosity, if I had approached you somewhat early on Saturday and said, “listen…I’m not going to join in the competition for you, but just know that I’d love to make out later on if you want to,” what would you have said?

See you in a couple years I hope,

Jeremy

*Wedding Crashers

14
Feb
11

Dear St. Valentine,

I bet, given the typical nature of this blog, you are expecting a somewhat harsh, overly sarcastic letter about how much you suck and how much I loathe you. Well, great foresight St. V, you are correct. Nah, just kidding.

While I might be a tad bitter that I’m having Valentines Day dinner with my parents tonight and thus probably ruining a truly romantic evening for the two of them that would no doubt end with a totally wild session of…Masterpiece Theatre & a glass of brandy; and I’m clearly extremely bitter that I’m still single, at the end of the day I still kind of appreciate all the love on this day. Exhibit A – the lovely Valentines Day tweet I received from the hottest, and most talented writer in NYC. I mean, I’m not going to receive something like this, “Happy Valentines Day Tweetheart!” in real life. She even called my a cyber version of, ‘sweetheart.’ I’ve got a deep red blush going just writing about it.

I would like to question your placement of the holiday though, Mr. Valentine. Having been in an actual relationship in the past over V-Day, it puts tons of pressure on us guys to come up with yet another awe-inspiring gift so closely on the heels of the Christmas/Hanukah holiday time. We barely have time to catch our collective breaths before we start getting hints about a new piece of jewelry, or color of roses, or overpriced dinner reservation we have to make. But I guess that’s neither here nor there, since it won’t be changed. I just think guys would be a bit more apt to fully delve into the passion that females display for Valentines Day if we had a bit more time to rest after Christmas.

Seriously though, I think all singles focus a bit too much on the negative today. Big effing deal, we aren’t going to get laid tonight (at least, not by someone who we actually know, or like, or will know their name tomorrow morning), but 99% of us singles are still loved by a number of people. Sure, maybe it’s only by your friends, or relatives…but at least someone appreciates you. As the oft-referred to Eddie Vedder sings,

“Oh I’m a lucky man,to count on both hands, the ones I love.”

Would I like this day more if I was taking an intelligent (possibly glasses wearing), witty, caring, sexy female out for a candlelit dinner tonight who afterwords was going to strip down into some mind-blowingly hot new lingerie she purchased for me? Yes, yes I would. But, and not for a lack of trying, that isn’t going to happen. I accept that…and I accept even more the love that is a part of my life.

Now, if we could just do something about those effing Kay Jewelers commercials…

Sincerely,

HLJ (actual initials…just jumbled).

09
Feb
11

dear damien rice,

The other night I got into a conversation at the bar with a couple of female friends of mine about wedding songs. As in, what do you want to be played (preferably by the sweet-ass band, and not a DJ) when you have your first dance with your new spouse. The conversation didn’t last long, as we were in a small, local bar, that all of a sudden was taken over by a group called the Gay Sports Alliance, or something along those lines. Trust me, I don’t have any issue with it at all, but it got extremely loud extremely quickly and normal conversation just wasn’t going to happen. I was actually psyched the GSA showed up, because I figured if any eligible females showed up, I had a waaay better chance than normal. Yet, I digress. And no, I didn’t take anyone home.

Long story short, I couldn’t really come up with a good answer. Naturally, I ran through some of my favorite bands/musicians, and most of that stuff just doesn’t cut it. “Black” by Pearl Jam? Radiohead’s “Fake Plastic Trees?” “Burn” by Ray Lamontagne or pretty much anything you wrote, Damien? All of these songs are absolutely unreal feats of song-writing…however they are far more fitting for a breakup, not an effing marriage. I just realized why I like all this depressing music, I get rejected lots, the music is mood-fitting. Cue the sympathy comments!

Anyway, on my way home I was listening to a show of yours I downloaded (legally, I think…) from about 5 years ago, and you rocked an unreleased track, heard here…

I’m sure you remember all the lyrics, after all it is your own song, but for all those who um, might randomly stumble upon this incredibly private letter to you, this link might prove helpful. You can listen, and read at your own discretion, but it’s this line that really hit me…

I’ve got so much beauty around me I can’t move
I’ve got so much beauty around me I can’t lose

That’s what I want to be played during my first dance. Not only a shout out to the love between me and my (crossing fingers) future intelligent, funny, witty, smoking hot, honest, caring wife (I bet you didn’t even notice how I snuck in ‘smoking hot,’ did you?), but I feel like it also pays homage to my family and friends, right? I feel like it also might work in lieu of a thank you speech from me, because while I can ramble with a keyboard like Dickens, I don’t like public speaking. I can picture it now….’Franks Dad is here, that’s awesome, I haven’t seen him in like 8 years.

Sorry, I’m not a talker, I’m not a talker…’

 

 




Letters sent…

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