Posts Tagged ‘friends

20
Jul
11

Dear match.com,

Why do you not allow people to block others from searches? It seems like an incredibly easy thing to do, and yet for some reason you people up there on your high & mighty online dating throne frown upon it.

This does not come from a bad place…as in, I’m not trying to block the ugly chicks (after all, that would be a bit hypocritical), or the 43 year old mom with a half set of teeth & 3 rugrats. Whatever, if they want to view my profile and shoot me an email more power to them. I can’t guarantee a response, but that’s the risk they take. As a real quick aside, I would much rather not receive a reply to an email than the “polite no thank you.” At least without a response I can tell myself that the female in question just has not paid for a membership yet, and as such can not read or respond. I mean, what other reason could there possibly be for her not wanting to talk to me? Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night, right?

Anyway, what was I getting at? Oh yes, blocking the crap out of certain people from match…which people, you might ask. Fair question. Two groups really. One is easy, people I effing know & don’t want them knowing I’m on a dating website. This request does not come from shame or anything like that, but simply there are certain people (most of them have the female genitalia) that don’t know how to keep their mouths shut. And quite frankly I don’t need everyone in the small town I live in knowing that I’m on match.com for the 4th time in two years. Perhaps there are females in the general population that do not belong to match that I might be interested in that will hear about my apparent fetish for online dating catastrophes and not have a mutual interest. Perhaps I just don’t like people talking about my personal business.

The 2nd group does come from a place of slight embarrassment I guess. I don’t want women I’ve gone out with, who I have then subsequently told I did not want to see again (and in many cases, vice versa) to have the pleasure of knowing that I’m back on the match scene. Is that vain? Why yes, yes it is. But it’s my life, and my blog, and my account, so I don’t really care. Although I’ve just realized that if these people see me, I can see them too…which means they are just as desperate excited to find the love of their lives. However, my point still holds, let me block people. Please.

Thanks,

J-Money

19
May
11

“We got three big weeks ahead of us. It’s wedding season, kid!” *

Dear Dee,

We’ve hung out two nights throughout the course of our lives, and both times I’ve desperately wanted to make out with you. The ironic thing is the first time we met, about two years ago, we were making fun of a couple in our group who had just gotten together and their public make out scene was vomit-inducing, at best. Fast forward 24 months and possibly 24 first (shite) dates, and we were again thrown together at said couple’s wedding.

I forget the exact reasons I didn’t make a move the first time around, probably some combination of the following: I don’t operate that quickly, we were with some of your extended family, I’m kind of a p-word. This time around though, the reason was far clearer: I can’t play the rat race that happens at weddings. Sure, I’ve been to some where there are seventeen single females looking to make out, but this situation was entirely different. You were literally the only eligible female at the event (not entirely true, but the other two I’m thinking of are in that friend zone).

From the rehearsal dinner on Friday night onwards (my speech alone should’ve been enough for you to want to tear my clothes off…I kid, I kid), it was clear that I would be competing with approximately a dozen single men for your attention. Perhaps if I didn’t know anyone else at the wedding my mindset might have been different…but there were about 75 people I knew there, and a good chunk of them I actually wanted to see (this is exactly the opposite of what happens when I go to the bar most weekends). Maybe if I was guaranteed at least a boob grab or something I would’ve made more of a concerted effort. I guess I just don’t see the point of spending all night at a wedding with some cool people pining after one girl’s (even if she is cute & fun) attention.

Is that abnormal? That I’d rather spend times celebrating with my (pseudo) family & friends than shower you with affection? Is this a sign of a bigger problem. If so, I might be f*cked, and not in a good way.

Oh, out of curiosity, if I had approached you somewhat early on Saturday and said, “listen…I’m not going to join in the competition for you, but just know that I’d love to make out later on if you want to,” what would you have said?

See you in a couple years I hope,

Jeremy

*Wedding Crashers

23
Feb
11

Dear Chunk,

I bet you never thought you’d end up on a blog like this, right? Where I waste all my time and hard-earned money reminiscing about females that for one reason or another, won’t give me the time of day. Well, thought it was probably a safe assumption on your part, I think we all know what happens when one assumes. No, they don’t make an “ass” out of “u” and “me,” because in no way does you ending up on this blog make you an ass, and it sure as shit doesn’t make me an ass. All it does is mean your assumption was wrong, I hate that effing saying.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to have watched you shine yet again yesterday. Even more fortunate – it was on bluray, on a high-def, 100+inch projection screen. Could it be possible that there was even more fortune involved…yes! There was good beer, good snacks, a few choice friends, and even some of that stuff that lots of people like in Vermont and it should be legalized, yet I digress. Bottom line is, it was about the 100th time I’ve watched you shout lines like, “I love the dark. But I hate nature, I HATE nature;” or, “Ok Brand, Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house, to use the bathroom…but his sister did;” or even, “Hey Mikey this is great…all we have are old Chanukah decorations in our house.” (FYI, I did not copy and paste any part of those quotes, I knew them from memory…I can’t decide if this is a good thing or not). And you know what, dear friend, you grow on me more and more each time.

I think it’s because the older I get, the more complicated life becomes; and the shenanigans you and the rest of the Goonies get into simply remind me of a time when I didn’t care about things like health insurance, a career, or females. A time when I could get as much joy of making fun of my overweight friend as I could talking to a cute girl. Even yesterday, the friends I was with, well it was another guy and two girls. Both of us guys have some level of interest in one of the females we were with…but there was no tension, because we were watching a timeless classic about how effing sweet it is to be an innocent kid.

Maybe it’s all that…or maybe it’s just because seeing the “Truffle Shuffle” on the big screen was sweet.

Thanks man,

A fellow Jew

ps – If someone tries to get you to make “Goonies 2,” please say no. Thanks.

09
Feb
11

dear damien rice,

The other night I got into a conversation at the bar with a couple of female friends of mine about wedding songs. As in, what do you want to be played (preferably by the sweet-ass band, and not a DJ) when you have your first dance with your new spouse. The conversation didn’t last long, as we were in a small, local bar, that all of a sudden was taken over by a group called the Gay Sports Alliance, or something along those lines. Trust me, I don’t have any issue with it at all, but it got extremely loud extremely quickly and normal conversation just wasn’t going to happen. I was actually psyched the GSA showed up, because I figured if any eligible females showed up, I had a waaay better chance than normal. Yet, I digress. And no, I didn’t take anyone home.

Long story short, I couldn’t really come up with a good answer. Naturally, I ran through some of my favorite bands/musicians, and most of that stuff just doesn’t cut it. “Black” by Pearl Jam? Radiohead’s “Fake Plastic Trees?” “Burn” by Ray Lamontagne or pretty much anything you wrote, Damien? All of these songs are absolutely unreal feats of song-writing…however they are far more fitting for a breakup, not an effing marriage. I just realized why I like all this depressing music, I get rejected lots, the music is mood-fitting. Cue the sympathy comments!

Anyway, on my way home I was listening to a show of yours I downloaded (legally, I think…) from about 5 years ago, and you rocked an unreleased track, heard here…

I’m sure you remember all the lyrics, after all it is your own song, but for all those who um, might randomly stumble upon this incredibly private letter to you, this link might prove helpful. You can listen, and read at your own discretion, but it’s this line that really hit me…

I’ve got so much beauty around me I can’t move
I’ve got so much beauty around me I can’t lose

That’s what I want to be played during my first dance. Not only a shout out to the love between me and my (crossing fingers) future intelligent, funny, witty, smoking hot, honest, caring wife (I bet you didn’t even notice how I snuck in ‘smoking hot,’ did you?), but I feel like it also pays homage to my family and friends, right? I feel like it also might work in lieu of a thank you speech from me, because while I can ramble with a keyboard like Dickens, I don’t like public speaking. I can picture it now….’Franks Dad is here, that’s awesome, I haven’t seen him in like 8 years.

Sorry, I’m not a talker, I’m not a talker…’

 

 




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