You realize that if you knocked on my door today, and asked me to marry you there is about a 77% chance I’d say “yes.” This is a very big deal, given a few things: 1. I’ve never been in what most would call a long term relationship, so jumping right into a marriage would be kind of a bold move. 2. While it’s cool you were in a movie with Robin Williams, said movie has less than a 5 rating on IMDB, so it would go against my nature to associate with someone from that (kidding, kind of). 3. I have not seen, or heard from you, since summer camp 1996, so you might no longer be tall, gorgeous, and sweet.
I mean, for effs sake Helena, look at you (blurred face notwithstanding), how could I not have fallen in love with you back in the day. Granted, we only had a few weeks a year to spend together, but perhaps it was the other 49 weeks where I built up the affection I have (I mean, had) for you. It’s a damn good thing facebook and gchat weren’t around back then, I have a feeling you might have placed some kind of cyber-restraining order against me. Speaking of which, why the hell are you still not on facebook? I know you always went against the grain a bit, after all you were a hot girl who was best friends with me, but just give in and create an account, if only to reconnect.
Wait, this is supposed to be a letter to an ex…but you are not really an ex of any sort. I was simply infatuated with you, and though I’m sure you knew it, it was never discussed. I was a gangly, incredibly awkward 14 year old with a mouth full of braces (which seems to be a reoccurring theme in these old-school letters), and you were a 15 year old moviestar who looked 20; hence, there was extremely little point in trying to make you my girlfriend for the better part of July. But honestly, that isn’t really important.
Not to be super cheesy, but what is important the friendship we had. I did indeed cherish it…back then I thought it was because I got to spend copious amounts of time talking one on one to the hottest girl at camp during rest hours, pool or A’s & C’s (arts & crafts…hey I needed a rest from all the athletics and it was a great place to pick up chicks). Actually, I just realized the last sentence is entirely true. I think our friendship gave me a level of confidence with females that I didn’t have prior. Becoming close and talking all the time with a beautiful female tends to have that effect on me…even if we weren’t making out after talking. I realize that most of my letters make me appear like an insecure, sarcastic asshole, which is true of course, but I think without you, Helena, I’d be even worse off.
Hope all is well, wherever the hell you are,
Steak (as in, opposite of ‘Chicken’…get it? Of course you do, no one else does though!)
*Wet Hot American Summer