Posts Tagged ‘holidays

04
Jul
11

Dear Bill Pullman,

And George Washington, Paul Revere, the French – didn’t they help us way back then? (and if they didn’t, Lady Liberty is still kind of sweet), John Adams, Samuel Adams, all the other Founding Fathers, Roland Emmerich, all the nutjobs who actually believe in Area 51, Patrick Henry, Pat the Patriot, and all the real Americans (yes, the Native ones) that helped the original colonists survive in the first place. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for having a part in creating the amazing country that I live in, and for making the following speech possible:

Love,

A Proud Citizen of the United States of America

14
Feb
11

Dear St. Valentine,

I bet, given the typical nature of this blog, you are expecting a somewhat harsh, overly sarcastic letter about how much you suck and how much I loathe you. Well, great foresight St. V, you are correct. Nah, just kidding.

While I might be a tad bitter that I’m having Valentines Day dinner with my parents tonight and thus probably ruining a truly romantic evening for the two of them that would no doubt end with a totally wild session of…Masterpiece Theatre & a glass of brandy; and I’m clearly extremely bitter that I’m still single, at the end of the day I still kind of appreciate all the love on this day. Exhibit A – the lovely Valentines Day tweet I received from the hottest, and most talented writer in NYC. I mean, I’m not going to receive something like this, “Happy Valentines Day Tweetheart!” in real life. She even called my a cyber version of, ‘sweetheart.’ I’ve got a deep red blush going just writing about it.

I would like to question your placement of the holiday though, Mr. Valentine. Having been in an actual relationship in the past over V-Day, it puts tons of pressure on us guys to come up with yet another awe-inspiring gift so closely on the heels of the Christmas/Hanukah holiday time. We barely have time to catch our collective breaths before we start getting hints about a new piece of jewelry, or color of roses, or overpriced dinner reservation we have to make. But I guess that’s neither here nor there, since it won’t be changed. I just think guys would be a bit more apt to fully delve into the passion that females display for Valentines Day if we had a bit more time to rest after Christmas.

Seriously though, I think all singles focus a bit too much on the negative today. Big effing deal, we aren’t going to get laid tonight (at least, not by someone who we actually know, or like, or will know their name tomorrow morning), but 99% of us singles are still loved by a number of people. Sure, maybe it’s only by your friends, or relatives…but at least someone appreciates you. As the oft-referred to Eddie Vedder sings,

“Oh I’m a lucky man,to count on both hands, the ones I love.”

Would I like this day more if I was taking an intelligent (possibly glasses wearing), witty, caring, sexy female out for a candlelit dinner tonight who afterwords was going to strip down into some mind-blowingly hot new lingerie she purchased for me? Yes, yes I would. But, and not for a lack of trying, that isn’t going to happen. I accept that…and I accept even more the love that is a part of my life.

Now, if we could just do something about those effing Kay Jewelers commercials…

Sincerely,

HLJ (actual initials…just jumbled).

23
Dec
10

dear kramer & mr. costanza

I realize you are both extremely busy this time of year – Kramer whipping up bagels at H&H, and Frank I’m sure you and Lloyd Braun are still slinging computers left and right, but I’d like to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the creation and commercializing of Festivus. It is, without a doubt, the best part of being an adult who does not celebrate Christmas.  Sure, I might only be 5’9, 150 pounds and can barely bend a wet noodle, but I have always stepped it up when it comes to the ‘feats of strength’.  And the ‘airing of grievances,’ I mean, wow, just effing wow! Can’t you tell from this blog alone that there is nothing in this life I appreciate more than telling other people, specfically ex girlfriends, how much they annoy me.  I was going to put up a Festivus Pole this year, but decided it looked too much like a stripper pole and I didn’t want to have to explain that to any potential females that might stop by.  Wait, I’ll be back in twenty minutes…

Ok I realized after writing that last sentence that there are no females coming over and thus I have put up my Festivus Pole.  Now all I need is to find some female to make out with tonight and my 2010 Festivus will be complete with a true FESTIVUS MIRACLE!

Sincerely,

Newman

18
Dec
10

dear santa claus,

I feel like a bit of a fraud sending you a Christmas list, mainly because I was raised Jewish and never really celebrated Christmas growing up.  Oh, there is also that tiny fact that I am 29, but I’m sure every once in awhile you get some desperate plea for attention.  Anyway, here is what I want for Christmas this year (I guess just throw each one in my mudroom area, since I don’t have a tree?):

1. GPS Device: I recently spent a weekend in an unnamed east coast city, it was somewhat daunting and nerve-wracking driving around the city streets not really know where I’m going with a bunch of massholes.  Ok, you caught me…it was Boston.

2. Some good books.  I have lots of free time on my hands and I need some more inspiration for the novel I’m going to write…speaking of which…

3. Someone from Random House, Penguin or Pendant Publishing (preferably Elaine Benes) to stumble across this blog, appreciate my witty, self-deprecating humor to such an extent they ask me to write a book.

4. RETAINER. RE. TAIN. ER.

5. A female that I’m interested in and that is interested in me.  Note how I didn’t get all crazy and ask for a girlfriend…just the potential for one.  It would help if she were A. not psycho B. not necessarily a great cook but at least decent about grocery shopping, because I suck at it C. has some connections to the publishing world.

6. For The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Snooki and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast to vanish into obscurity, and somehow donate all their un-earned money to charity.  I don’t want them to fade away, that would happen anyway.  I want to wake up on Christmas morning and their fame simply cease to exist.

7. True Grit to be as good as I’m expecting it to be.

8. 100 twitter & facebook followers (hey, at least this one won’t cost anything except maybe some dignity)

9. Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez and the New York Jets to lose out and miss the playoffs.

10. A free month on match.com in order to make #5 a bit more realistic.  Actually screw that, if you’ve read any of my previous posts you’ll know this is just a waste.  How about you just make #5 appear on my front porch singing, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” on Christmas Eve.  It would be preferable if it was snowing lightly, and cold enough so that when I invite her in for hot cocoa in front of the fireplace (which I don’t have…damn that sounds super shady huh?) she will actually take me up on the offer.  This way, not only will I potentially have a girlfriend, I will also associate that song with happy memories, because as it stands for some reason the somberness of the song makes me want to crawl under my covers and cry. Well, it would be associated with happy memories, until of course…she just becomes another ex, and she gets one of these letters. Yet I digress.

Oh, and as for the milk and cookies, you are more than welcome to have your fair share, but I’m pretty sure the oreos are stale and the milk is spoiled. See items #5/#10 on my list if you’d like this rectified for the 2011 holiday season.

Sincerely,

The Lonely Jew on Christmas




Letters sent…

December 2012
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