Posts Tagged ‘humor



09
Dec
10

“i guess i’ll cancel that order of onions and limburger cheese I made for lunch today”*

(editor’s note: this is a repost of my first letter. wordpress is apparently finally picking up on my tags so i thought i’d test it out with my favorite letter so far. if you have already read this, sorry).

Dear Margaret,
It’s amazing how one event from childhood can have such enduring consequences for an adult.  If we are talking in terms of the famous “Butterfly Effect,” our almost makeout was the butterfly, and my prolonged inability to deal with members of the opposite sex would be the resulting earthquake in Taipei. I don’t really blame you though.  How could I? If I were you, I definitely would have turned away in disgust at my approaching, slightly parted lips.

There we all were, a cohesive unit of preppy middle schoolers enjoying a sunny afternoon at a local ice-cream parlor on the water.  We were all dressed the same: khakis and an untucked button down with Sambas.  Of course, the button down was probably a bit beat up, perhaps even had holes in it, to show off our rebellious side; or in my case, my obsession with Seattle rock music.  Most ordered ice cream, which took forever because the 87-year-old woman behind the counter would have had a difficult time scooping jello let alone rock hard ice cream. I was stupid enough to order a slice of pizza, frozen Ellios pizza at that.  Little did I know that holding hands with you earlier that day would be the apex of my career with women, and that damned slice of pizza would lead directly to my lowest point.

Minutes later, after giving in to the prodding of my ‘friends,’ I decided our first kiss should be a public show, while we leant awkwardly on our bicycles.  So I looked longingly in your eyes (notice I wasn’t staring at your chest, which for a 7th grader wasn’t half bad if memory serves me correctly), and parted those lips…

Haven’t had a slice since…

Not only did the sun reflect blindingly off my braces, but also was further melting the cheese from the pizza that was firmly lodged throughout the metal. Actually, the sun couldn’t have been THAT blinding, if it had been you probably would have at least let me peck you on the lips. No no, I don’t blame you.  I blame lots of people ranging from my Orthodontist who claimed my braces would only be in for 12-18 months (he was only off by a year) to my friends who triple effing dog dared me to try and kiss you goodbye.  Those a-holes knew the whole time what would happen.  I lean in, you turn away, I kiss air, everyone laughs.  About as predictable as me not laughing at 2.5 Men.

And now here I sit, about 15 years later and every subsequent relationship I’ve had with a female is somehow connected back to you.  I still get nervous at every first kiss, and fifth kiss for that matter; even though my dietary habits (and flossing habits) are far superior than frozen pizza, and even though I now understand the difference between mint waxed and woven.

The other thing about our relationship is that it really never should have happened in the first place; you were way out of my league.  I was playing up at least two divisions.  And today I am still trying to do that.  It’s a lot easier to jump from AA ball to the majors at 13 than it is at 29.

That’s it, for now anyway.  I might send you another letter down the line, see if I’ve learned anything else from you, besides how to floss my teeth. And well, I guess you also showed me what Kasey Kasem meant by, “Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.”  The only problem is I never really listened to Kasey, except when he hosted the dance-off at the Max that Screech and Lisa won with ‘The Sprain’.  Christ, even Screech had more luck with Lisa than I had with you.

Until Next Time,

Ellio

* Wet Hot American Summer

01
Dec
10

dear jeff mangum,

You should feel special, I’m creating a whole new category for you.  The song I’m posting, “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea,” is certainly not a breakup song; but the thing is it’s not really a love song either.  However, in the interest of seamless transistion, that is what it is getting filed under.  I’m posting this song for two reasons – 1. Not nearly enough people have heard it not nearly enough people know about you and your band, Neutral Milk Hotel.  So, by posting this…there is a disctinct possibility at least TWO new people will have heard you.  The second reason, and more important one, is that every time I meet someone new, who might be a potential significant other on any level, my imagination gets the better of me.  I compare her to women of my past, I think way too much about the future, instead of just appreciating the moment for what it is – getting to know someone who I’m hitting it off with.  I’m not talking about those crazy people who have a first drink with someone and start thinking about the kids they will raise together and white picket fences (read: many females I know); but smaller scale stuff – will she like my friends, will she like my parents, does she share my affinity for hatred of the Yankees?  All that crap and more was running through my mind last night when I was driving home after meeting a girl for a drink.  Stupid. But then I heard the song I’m posting below and really heard these lyrics for the first time,

“And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see”

Lyrics are written to mean different things to different people (seriously, you don’t think Britney actually meant she wanted to be struck by a fist, one more time), so I’m not trying to impose my belief about these lyrics on anyone else, but to me they allude to staying in and appreciating the moment.  I’ll try to remember these words next time I hang out with the aforementioned female…unless she turns out to be really cool and is a good kisser, then all rules are out the window.

Sincerely,

Not Jeff Mangum

PS – I’m posting three different versions of your song – your own, a beautiful cover by Fanfarlo, and a train wreck of a cover by some random dude that thinks he is good.  I hope you can appreciate all three.

09
Nov
10

“tonight, allegra cole may get her ‘last’ first kiss.” *

Dear Carolyn,

It was over 20 years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday.  Tucked away into the hills of a small town New England State (can’t give away my anonymity quite yet), I was a 9 year old kid who received his first kiss from the cutest 12 year old this side of the Mississippi.  Granted, I made it entirely awkward by turning to the side and I think half of your lips were on my cheek, the other half on my ear, but you have to cut me a break…I was 9, and I was being held up to you against my will by my bunkmates.

our first (and only) kiss was not quite as successful

I believe it was during those thirty minutes after evening activity was over (capture the flag, perhaps?), back in the days of overnight camp when boys and girls could still socialize without having to worry about some kind of parental complaints.  Though to be completely honest, there is no way I was actually socializing with you – A. you were a girl & I was (still am) a boy (well, almost a man)  B. I was 9 & you were 12 C. you were cute & I was somehow the most awkward looking 9 year old who didn’t have braces, probably due to my bowl cut and freckles…and a face that reminded many of Paul from The Wonder Years.

But my bunkmates forced the relevant information out of me; and by forced I mean they probably asked me who I was going to ask to banquet.  My immediate response was “no one,” but after a couple older boys told me I couldn’t go alone, my next response was you, Carolyn.  So they convinced my to ask you, right then and there.  I walked over to you, and like out of a movie you were somehow sitting alone on your cabin steps, which of course made it far easier for me to talk to you (and way too hard to back out).  Somehow I stumbled up the courage, or fear of more torture from my entourage who was right behind me, and here’s how I’d like remember the conversation transpiring,

Me: Would you like to go to banquet with me?

You: Awww, you are too sweet…but I’m already going with the best athlete and cutest guy at camp.  If you had asked me first though, I totally would’ve gone with you.

This is probably how the conversation went,

Me: Um, hey…I’m XXXXX, oh yeah, we are on the same tennis court, you know that. Um, I know you probably don’t want to, but um, I need a date to the banquet and uh….

You: Oh, no. Thanks though.

I turned to walk away, quickly.  Some idiot ‘friend’ of mine shouted, “he wants a kiss too!” You were too sweet, you should’ve just laughed it off…but you told me to turn around, which some of my friends did for me by grabbing hold of my arms.  That’s when you went in to kiss me on the cheek, and I turned and you got some ear.  There is almost nothing I regret about that night, Carolyn, except not turning the other way.  If I had done that, perhaps you would’ve felt the chemistry that I knew was there between us when our lips connected…or more likely you would’ve slapped me in the face.  Either way, at least I would remember my first kiss a little more successfully.  Anyway, that’s enough for now.  Hope this letter finds you well…and maybe still single?

I shall forever remember your lips upon my ear,

Paul Pfieffer

*Hitch (not a huge fan of this movie, but it fits)

07
Nov
10

Would you like to do this again? With you – wouldn’t have thought so.*

Dear Shayna,

I want to thank you for making me re-think my internet dating habits: Lesson #1 – Never, ever agree to more than a lunch or a drink for the first face to face meeting, dinners are simply too long, and sometimes really painful.  Like it was with you.  So while you may have cost me about $40 (remember, when you offered to split it I couldn’t take you up on it quickly enough), you also taught me something priceless.

Lesson #2 – Whether it is on purpose or subconsciously, you made me realize that we all sell our selves online.  We project an image of what we think people want to see in our profile, and then enhance that image through emails, online chat and dare I say – even an adult-like phone call. I think everyone does this to a certain degree; I like to think I try my best to show people that I am down to earth, witty, and pretty much the man.  You seemed like a happy-go-lucky, easy to talk to, educated individual.  Well, at least you are educated (I can only presume you didn’t lie about your Master’s Degree).  Turns out you were actually quite miserable.  Upon getting the awkward greeting out of the way, I asked how your day went.  Your response, a terse, “Awful.”  I’ll spare you the details, but it was only downhill from there.

Lesson # 3 – You also taught me to watch what I say.  When I mentioned I was looking for jobs at prep schools, you were curious as to why only private.  My answer, if you recall, was along the lines of, “Well the administrative type job I’m looking for aren’t typically at public schools, I’m not certified to teach at a public school, and I went to a private high school so I know the landscape and think I’d really enjoy that environment again.”  I didn’t realize that was such a snobby comment, because you replied, “Private school kid huh? Aren’t you the privileged one.”  At least that wasn’t 20 minutes into knowing each other.  Oh, wait. Yes it was.

Winnie & Kevin went further at 11 than we ever will

Lesson # 4 – I guess I’m not the only one who has trouble reading signals.  Let’s recap real quick: You barely spoke, and when you did something miserable usually came out; you called me a snob; I scoffed at a second glass of wine and dessert; even though I have always paid on the first date unless the female absolutely insists, as soon as you brought out your plastic I think I tore it from your hands to throw in with mine; oh yeah, I shook your hand goodbye.  Despite all this Shayna, you actually had the gall to send me an email the next day informing me what a blast you had and that you wanted to do it again soon. Suffice it to say, that certainly didn’t happen…and if you couldn’t read that signal, hopefully this letter spells it out a bit clearer.

See you never,

Privileged

PS – I should tell you that my guess is you were just having a bad day, and that you are probably far cooler and sweeter than you presented yourself on our date.  But first impressions are everything.  Sorry.

*The Office, UK Christmas Special




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