Posts Tagged ‘marriage


dear damien rice,

The other night I got into a conversation at the bar with a couple of female friends of mine about wedding songs. As in, what do you want to be played (preferably by the sweet-ass band, and not a DJ) when you have your first dance with your new spouse. The conversation didn’t last long, as we were in a small, local bar, that all of a sudden was taken over by a group called the Gay Sports Alliance, or something along those lines. Trust me, I don’t have any issue with it at all, but it got extremely loud extremely quickly and normal conversation just wasn’t going to happen. I was actually psyched the GSA showed up, because I figured if any eligible females showed up, I had a waaay better chance than normal. Yet, I digress. And no, I didn’t take anyone home.

Long story short, I couldn’t really come up with a good answer. Naturally, I ran through some of my favorite bands/musicians, and most of that stuff just doesn’t cut it. “Black” by Pearl Jam? Radiohead’s “Fake Plastic Trees?” “Burn” by Ray Lamontagne or pretty much anything you wrote, Damien? All of these songs are absolutely unreal feats of song-writing…however they are far more fitting for a breakup, not an effing marriage. I just realized why I like all this depressing music, I get rejected lots, the music is mood-fitting. Cue the sympathy comments!

Anyway, on my way home I was listening to a show of yours I downloaded (legally, I think…) from about 5 years ago, and you rocked an unreleased track, heard here…

I’m sure you remember all the lyrics, after all it is your own song, but for all those who um, might randomly stumble upon this incredibly private letter to you, this link might prove helpful. You can listen, and read at your own discretion, but it’s this line that really hit me…

I’ve got so much beauty around me I can’t move
I’ve got so much beauty around me I can’t lose

That’s what I want to be played during my first dance. Not only a shout out to the love between me and my (crossing fingers) future intelligent, funny, witty, smoking hot, honest, caring wife (I bet you didn’t even notice how I snuck in ‘smoking hot,’ did you?), but I feel like it also pays homage to my family and friends, right? I feel like it also might work in lieu of a thank you speech from me, because while I can ramble with a keyboard like Dickens, I don’t like public speaking. I can picture it now….’Franks Dad is here, that’s awesome, I haven’t seen him in like 8 years.

Sorry, I’m not a talker, I’m not a talker…’




suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?*

Dear Bride-to-be,

Yeah, that’s right, I can’t make up a name for you that’s similar to your real name as I do with all my other letters.  Why? Because we were never formally introduced.  Though given our situation, I guarantee you will remember me.  Oh, if this were a real letter, and not a blogl, I’d probably put some kind of warning on the envelope like, “for your eyes only.”  However, two things come to mind – 1. it’s not a real letter and 2. given your actions during our brief encounter, I doubt you are still married anyway.

So, any idea who I am yet? Possibly not, I guess in the full week leading up to your wedding there might have been at least half a dozen other guys you made out with in addition to me, not to mention it was 4 years ago.  Hell, you might have even slept with half a dozen or so guys.  But to clear things up a bit, we were at a dance club/meat market, I was extremely inebriated (the only way I can survive at a club is if I am going to at least ‘brown out’), and I bought you and your bridal party a round of shots.  Literally, that is how we met. I was at the bar, as were you and your crew, I saw your sash about being a future bride and thought I’d be nice.  Turns out you really thought I was nice.

You dragged me to the dance floor and insisted we dance together to thank me for the shot.  Here’s the thing – I did not see this coming at all.  I did not buy you and your friends a shot in the hopes that we’d go bump & grind to some lameass song.  You were, probably still are, really effing hot.  Simply put, you were kind of out of my league.  So in my inebriated state you backin’ that ass up into me, even though you were a week away from getting hitched (at some point while at the bar, you told me your wedding date and that you were a law student), was pretty sweet.  Then when we were dancing face to face things were getting kinda hot, and despite my better judgment I just went in for the makeout.  You were totally into it.  For about five awesome minutes, we danced and kissed (with tongue) at a meat market club dance floor.  I legitimately thought I was back at my college frat house.  Then your friends finally decided to act like friends and dragged you away.  End of story.

bring back any memories? probably lots...

However, I do have some lingering questions.  1. Are you still married to the guy you were marrying a week after our steamy make out session? 2. Is he a better kisser than I am? 3. Why do I only meet hot, future professionals that want to make out with me at 1am when I can barely remember my own name, who are engaged? 4. Was I special? Or did you make out with lots of other dudes your last week of freedom? 5. Do I need to create a new category of letters?  Because this certainly isn’t a very ‘adult’ like story.

Hope your (ex)husband never reads this,

Mc-Shot Buyer

ps – Questions #1 & #3 are not being asked because I want to somehow meet you again…while you are both hot and probably smart (given the lawyer thing), you are also most likely a slut.  And while education and attraction are important qualities I seek, slutiness is not.


Letters sent…

December 2012
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