Posts Tagged ‘match


You don’t know the first thing about love, because you don’t understand compromise*

Dear Lizzie,

I think you are perhaps the most important date(s) I’ve gone on in a long time. Our first date was a typical ‘meet for drinks,’ I expected to be out of there in an hour or so (sue me, I’m not the biggest optimist in the world, I mean it makes sense, just look at my track record). We sat and chatted for about three hours, and if your drop-off point wasn’t in such a brightly lit, public area, I definitely would’ve (tried) to make out with you. But alas, we made plans for a second date, which was good enough for me.

Warm, sunny days have not exactly been the norm around here, so we decided to take advantage of it and go for a leisurely stroll with your dog, who is awesome by the way. It was on this walk where I learned something important about what I need in a significant other. Obviously things in common are important, as is your laugh/beautiful smile/and to be completely honest a lovely looking chestal region. And we do have some stuff in common, after all without that I don’t think our conversation would be so free flowing. However, once you started going on about a summer filled with motorcycles, camping & manual labor I knew it wasn’t meant to be.

I was still contemplating whether or not we should do a full on dinner date to see if we could still manage, just because I do think we clicked on one level, until you asked what my plans were the rest of the weekend. Besides skiing and a concert, I told you about how I was psyched for Sunday afternoon because a few friends were coming over to watch the final round of the Masters & then the Red Sox/Yankees game. The disdain you had for both events really nailed in the coffin for us.

I used to think I’d rather date someone like you, a TOTAL non-sports fan, than a New York Yankee fan. I realize now that I was dead wrong. As this week crept by, and the Red Sox kept losing, and then the Bruins lost their opening playoff game to the effing Canadians, and I’m dealing with the stress of the impending Knicks-Celtics playoff series, I realized I need to date a sports fan. I need someone who can understand why I wasn’t in the best mood this week; or why I walked around Newark Int’l Airport aimlessly for 3 hours trying to choke back tears after the Jets beat the Patriots a few months ago; or why…ok you get the point, right?

Again, I don’t need someone who will be affected in the same way I am, because I understand I take it to the extreme, but it is who I am. I just need someone who would empathize with me…and who wouldn’t scoff at the idea of basing a Sunday afternoon around large sporting events.


ps – I hope you understand…because I’m sure you don’t want to be with someone who scoffs at the idea of riding a motorcycle two hundred miles into the middle of nowhere, starting a fire from scratch and sleeping in a tent, like myself.

*Closer – yes this quote is a bit overly dramatic with regards to the situation…but I was in a rush.


F*ck it, Dude, let’s go bowling. *

Dear Amelia,

Just do me one solid. I cant believe I started off a letter with the word ‘solid.’ I sound like effing George Costanza. Pathetic. Let’s revamp.

Just do me one favor. There, that’s much better. Please tell me you stopped seeing me for a reason OTHER than me kicking your ass at bowling. I know, I know…you talked a ton of crap going into our second, and presumably final, date; while I played the whole “but it’s been seven years since I’ve bowled, you are going to totally emasculate me, yada yada yada” card. And then, after one sub-par comeback game, where you did indeed score higher than me, I thoroughly destroyed you thereafter.

I’d like to think that I didn’t blow a chance with a great girl because my ego got the better of me and I beat her at bowling. If that is the case, we wouldn’t have worked out anyway. It isn’t really in me to do shit like that, and if you expected me to do that, you weren’t the girl I thought you were.

But, since then…nada, nothing, zilch. Even though you told a mutual friend that you, ‘had a blast…can’t wait to hang out again,’ you came up with a few lame excuses the next few times I tried getting together with you (seriously, you can visit your Grandmother ANYTIME – I’m just kidding, that’s not really lame…it’s actually kind of adorable), and as a result I threw out this text, “Ok no worries, let me know if you’d like to hang out again,” or something along those lines. Predictably, I haven’t heard from you since. It’s been two weeks, I doubt that I will.

I don’t think it’s because of the bowling. I think it’s because this was a thing, and because you are a normal human being, you most likely were going on quite a few dates in addition to ours, and simply found someone you liked more. As much as I’d like to, I can’t really begrudge you that. I simply don’t have that bone in my body though, or that gene in my DNA. I don’t know how to properly ‘date.’ You and I went out a couple times, I think it’s safe to say we enjoyed each others company…therefore I have no interest in going on dates with other females. It seems like I’d be doing it under false pretenses. Would I perhaps make out with a girl on a dancefloor whilst inebriated on a Saturday night? Of course I would. But I wouldn’t take her out to dinner that week…I’d rather see what kind of potential there is with you.

I’m pretty sure this area of conversation has come up in previous letters…which just proves this series of letters is pointless, since clearly I’m not learning from my mistakes. Unless of course, this had nothing to do with you dating multiple people at once and finding a better match (see what I did there?), and has everything to do with me making you my biatch at the bowling alley.


The Dude

*The Big Lebowski (this girl and I went bowling…was I going to use another movie?)


that’s like the express lane to the friend zone…what the hell’s the friend zone? *

Dear Cassandra,

We went on a date a couple of weeks and I had a lovely evening…only I’m still not sure it was a date.  I’d like to make this clear in person, or at the very least face to face; wait who am I kidding, no one talks face to face anymore.  I’d like to make this clear via blog/letter (or text message, since you probably won’t read this): I don’t really want to friends.  Really, it’s nothing against you, it’s just that I already have way too many friends.  In fact, I wish I could purge my real friends like I can my facebook friends…unfortunately there is no delete button for life.  Sorry, let me get back to you, and us.

Our first date was about a year ago, it was an awkward date.  We met for a few drinks, had a lame conversation, hugged it out and I thought that would be the end of it.  I’m usually a pretty good conversationalist, and now I know that you are too, but for some reason that night we talked about as well as Brett Favre retires…that is, not very well.  We ran into each other once and had some coffee, and the conversation was slightly better, but I think we were both kind of bored after one mug, and that was it.

I'm not fat + You are as hot as Amy Smart = Perfect couple! Photo courtesy of

I mean, a brief conversation about sports via gchat every once in awhile, but I never thought we’d hang out again.  Then, out of the blue, YOU asked me to meet up for a beer.  I was taken aback, but we had an awesome time!  Granted, we connected over sharing awful date experiences, but we were both laughing and smiling like we’d hit it off.  Again, we hugged it out and promised each other it wouldn’t be ten months before hanging out again.. Ten months, less than ten days later you asked me out to dinner…on an effing Saturday night (ok I guess the day was my choice, but you were totally into it)!  That was a date – we met, I even told you how beautiful you looked, grabbed a drink at a bar, then went to a relatively fancy restaurant (cloth, not paper napkins) and had more great conversation.  Only this time instead about other awful people we dated, we talked about ourselves.  A hug, and a light peck on the cheek later, we went our separate ways.

And I totally might be jumping to conclusions, but based on your wanting to meet up for coffee sometime soon (as opposed to dinner or drinks again), I’m guessing you just want to be friends.  Now let me make something clear: I am not head over heals about you, yet.  I did not get all giddy and call up a dozen friends telling them about some great new girl I went out with.  So I don’t want you thinking I’m on some kind of level you are totally not on.  However, like I said from the beginning…I don’t want to be friends.  If we hang out again, I’d be coming from the angle of trying to see if a romantic type (read: where we get to make out) relationship MIGHT work.  You and I are not headed for the friend zone.  If you aren’t ok with that, I completely understand.  There are lots of reasons you might not want to pursue that kind of relationship with me; none of them are good reasons of course (sarcasm), but that’s cool with me.

Make sense? Good. Sincerely,

Not Fat Ryan Reynolds

* Just Friends (not a great movie, but the quote works)

Letters sent…

December 2012
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