Posts Tagged ‘movies

04
Jul
11

Dear Bill Pullman,

And George Washington, Paul Revere, the French – didn’t they help us way back then? (and if they didn’t, Lady Liberty is still kind of sweet), John Adams, Samuel Adams, all the other Founding Fathers, Roland Emmerich, all the nutjobs who actually believe in Area 51, Patrick Henry, Pat the Patriot, and all the real Americans (yes, the Native ones) that helped the original colonists survive in the first place. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for having a part in creating the amazing country that I live in, and for making the following speech possible:

Love,

A Proud Citizen of the United States of America

21
Apr
11

dear nicholas sparks,

I have a feeling I’m going to piss a lot of people off with this letter, so I’m going to do my best to practice something I’m terrible at – brevity. I am not here to crap on your writing, because I have never read one of your books; nor am I here to crap on your movies, because I’ve only seen two – ‘The Notebook’ and ‘A Walk to Remember.’ Now, to put a frame of reference on the rest of this letter, I think you should know that for sentimental reasons, I actually enjoy both of these movies. They remind me of certain people, and a certain place, which makes them bearable. Plus staring at Rachel McAdams for 120 or so minutes isn’t the worst thing in the world.

But now to my point, based on these two movies alone (and I’m sure the same is true for some of your other works), you have made the mountain of dating females below the age of the 30 incredibly steep. How am I supposed to live up to the expectations set by the male leads in your films? Yeah, is Ryan Gosling kind of a prick for much of The Notebook? Of course he is. But he is that bad boy type, at least what I picture bad boys being back in the day, that even chicks in the 1940s had a thing for. And don’t get me started on James Garner…I mean, I know females that would jump his 80 year old bones today because of his portrayal of the elder Noah.

Then we have Landon, from A Walk to Remember, talk about setting the bar high. Guys my age tend to run at the first sight of baggage – “whoa, she has an overbearing mother…she probably has a few mental issues…see you later!” Or even the dreaded, “You should know now…I have an ex-boyfriend.” Yeah, that’s right, men can be giant p-words when it comes to certain things ((ok, so I don’t know any guys who have actually run because of those things, but we’ve all at least thought about it). But what does Landon do when he finds out his teenage girlfriend is going to die, he effing proposes to her!

You see what I’m getting at Nicholas, I beg of you, set the bar a little lower.

Thanks,

All males from the ages of 16-32.

01
Apr
11

Dear Opening Day,

I’m just going to come right out and say it, I love you. I love you even more in 2011 because there are basically two opening days – yesterday was the first day of regular season baseball, and today I get to watch the real reason I don’t have a girlfriend, the Boston Red Sox. I’m only half serious with that comment, I am nothing like Jimmy Fallon in that lame-ass movie “Fever Pitch.” In fact, I hate that movie. However, for the next 180 days, the Red Sox will play on 162 of them (and then hopefully hopefully another 15 or so in October). As a result, I don’t feel a pressing need to find someone to spend time with, because when all else fails, I can always spend my evening with the Boston ‘Boys of Summer.’

Listen, I am not some assclown that gets really excited about opening day and then fades as the season goes on. Are there times where I pay a bit less attention to all things baseball? Of course…while the Celtics & Bruins make their respective Championship runs later this Spring (that let’s face it, will probably end in failure), I’ll be concentrating more on them. But there will not be a single night I go to sleep, or morning I wake up if the Sox are on the West Coast, where I don’t know how the Red Sox fared…or pretty much any other team for that matter.

I love it, I effing love baseball. I woke up this morning trying to pinpoint what it is about the sport that I love so much. The intricacies of the game are amazing once you’ve learned them; the dedication (in many cases, over-dedication) of Boston Red Sox fans is inspiring given all the heartache we endured over the years – for example, I wasn’t even alive in 1978 and I still want to punch Bucky ‘bleeping’ Dent in the mouth. But I was a baseball fan long before the magical 2004 World Series run, and even long before players like Nomar & Pedro made the Red Sox actual contenders. Watching the Red Sox in the 90′s was about as exciting as my “Basics of Magic Course” freshman year of college (hey don’t judge, we all needed to take a religion course).

So, while all that’s well and good, it still doesn’t explain how my love affair with baseball started in the first place. Then I looked back to what I did yesterday to celebrate Opening Day & it dawned on me. I watched all three games  that ESPN covered, and in between I watched the beginning, middle and end of “Field of Dreams.” At the end, as per usual, I shed a few tears. Simply put, I am pretty sure when I first saw this movie at the ripe old age of 8, I fell in love…and each subsequent time I view it (my guess is were are bordering on 50 or so),  I fall a little deeper. So, that being I said I’d like to wish all fans of all teams the best of luck this coming season, just a little more to the Red Sox…and just remember, “This field, this game: it’s a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again”

28
Feb
11

dear anne hathway,

And I guess to a certain extent, James Franco, because I think after the debacle that was Oscar night, there are many women & men – not that there is anything wrong with that…no of course not  (c’mon people it’s a Seinfeld reference, calm down) – who soured on you after your performance. But since this letter is going to focus on my relationship with Anne, I’ll leave you out of it from now on James, mainly because if I mailed you this letter you’d probably just roll it up and smoke it.

But Anne, my beautiful Anne, what the hell were you doing up there? You came off sometimes as a giddy school girl, and sometimes as a ‘too cool for school’ biatch. Yes, stop, I know the opening bit was hilarious, but that really had nothing to do with you. You didn’t write it, it wasn’t live so you had a chance to actually act (which I think you do quite well quite often), as opposed to freelance during the actual awards. But now that I think of it, you didn’t even have to freelance…you were reading from a teleprompter and still managed to make it seem as awkward  as someone trying to argue that “Bride Wars” was a good movie.

Speaking of your movies, it’s going to be tougher and tougher to defend your abilities when you continue to churn out crap like that, not to mention “Get Smart.” I first fell in love you in “The Devil Wears Prada,” which I was forced to watch on a plane, because it was either that or reading a book. And since reading is for losers (just kidding, if it wasn’t for reading I wouldn’t be able to write this well or have the 17 people/day visit my blog), I watched you outshine everyone in that overall brutal movie. And that includes Emily Blunt & Meryl Streep. Then I saw your boobs in “Brokeback Mountain” and “Havoc,” and even though the latter was a garbage movie, boobs are my downfall so I was ready to propose.

Then, just a couple of years ago, the pinnacle of our relationship came during “Rachel Getting Married,” because now not only did you have a smoking body, but you also proved you could act. Now maybe when I rent “Love & Other Drugs” (speaking of which, I get to see you naked again, right?) you’ll reignite the passion in our one-way relationship. Because after last night babe, I think I’m done. I mean, this is just brutal…

Stop waving your effing arms everywhere.

Your Ex-Lover,

Oscar




Letters sent…

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