Posts Tagged ‘movies



23
Feb
11

Dear Chunk,

I bet you never thought you’d end up on a blog like this, right? Where I waste all my time and hard-earned money reminiscing about females that for one reason or another, won’t give me the time of day. Well, thought it was probably a safe assumption on your part, I think we all know what happens when one assumes. No, they don’t make an “ass” out of “u” and “me,” because in no way does you ending up on this blog make you an ass, and it sure as shit doesn’t make me an ass. All it does is mean your assumption was wrong, I hate that effing saying.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to have watched you shine yet again yesterday. Even more fortunate – it was on bluray, on a high-def, 100+inch projection screen. Could it be possible that there was even more fortune involved…yes! There was good beer, good snacks, a few choice friends, and even some of that stuff that lots of people like in Vermont and it should be legalized, yet I digress. Bottom line is, it was about the 100th time I’ve watched you shout lines like, “I love the dark. But I hate nature, I HATE nature;” or, “Ok Brand, Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house, to use the bathroom…but his sister did;” or even, “Hey Mikey this is great…all we have are old Chanukah decorations in our house.” (FYI, I did not copy and paste any part of those quotes, I knew them from memory…I can’t decide if this is a good thing or not). And you know what, dear friend, you grow on me more and more each time.

I think it’s because the older I get, the more complicated life becomes; and the shenanigans you and the rest of the Goonies get into simply remind me of a time when I didn’t care about things like health insurance, a career, or females. A time when I could get as much joy of making fun of my overweight friend as I could talking to a cute girl. Even yesterday, the friends I was with, well it was another guy and two girls. Both of us guys have some level of interest in one of the females we were with…but there was no tension, because we were watching a timeless classic about how effing sweet it is to be an innocent kid.

Maybe it’s all that…or maybe it’s just because seeing the “Truffle Shuffle” on the big screen was sweet.

Thanks man,

A fellow Jew

ps – If someone tries to get you to make “Goonies 2,” please say no. Thanks.

02
Feb
11

dear alabama & clarence,

Before I delve into the beauty of this final scene, first let me thank you for allowing me the opportunity to figure out how to embed a youtube clip with a specific start time. While not exactly complicated, I never really needed to before. But with this clip, I decided it best to start halfway through, no real reason to force people to view an extreme close up of a bloody eye and what not. Alas, if people really want to watch that part they can always move the cursor backwards a bit.

Anyhoo…let’s be clear about a few things: even though I am using this scene I do not A. want to be shot in the eye B. be chased by the mafia or C. marry a call girl. Yes, even a call girl as badass and sexy as you, Alabama. Something tells me the inevitable meeting of the (my jewish & slightly JAPpy) parents would be just too awkward. What I do know is that I want to ride off into the sunset with someone that badass, and that sexy, and preferably with music that effing sweet playing in the background. Oh, I also want someone (a female someone) to think I am so cool, so cool, so cool…

And as cheesy as this sounds, I think the real beauty of this scene lies in the solitude of the small family in the beach on the end. Do they not seem completely content with simply each other? Actually, ‘content’ is probably not a strong enough word…lets use the word ‘happy’ instead. I know it’s bland & generic, but it also really gets the point across. I am not ready for a wife and kids, yet, but I guess what I am ready for is the thought of a family. I want to go through the normal process (as in, not getting married the morning after meeting a female in a movie theater on my birthday, who then turns out to have been a hooker for four days, going to kill her pimp, stealing a bunch of drugs yada yada yada); I want to date a intelligent, funny, beautiful woman; I want to fall in love and propose, and have an amazing wedding on the beach at my parents house (yes, mom & dad, you dont need to start preparing the house quite yet), then have a kid or two. But like I said, I am not ready for all of that quite yet…for now, I just want a girl to think I’m cool.

Wow, I had no idea I was going to get that heavy from that scene…It is an amazing clip, and movie, though. I guess it deserves something a bit emotional. I think I might even pop in the bluray…

QT

ps – Note to the future Mrs. Dearexgirlfriend, I’m not naming our kid Elvis.

26
Jan
11

dear ione skye & john cusack,

Thanks for making it nearly impossible for men all over the world to let go of a girlfriend. I guess in all fairness I should include Cameron Crowe & Peter Gabriel in this letter also. Let me tell you the lesson that I, and millions of other males, learned the first time we saw this movie: “Gentleman, if a woman breaks up with you and you want her back, it’s simple, stand outside her window playing some romantic love song in the wee hours of the morning and I promise, you will win her back!” Well, though I am sure I am not the first to come to this conclusion – this strategy doesn’t work in real life.

To be honest, I don’t have any empirical proof to back it up, since I’ve never been so desperate to get back together with someone (though, there are MANY girls I’ve been desperate to get together with in the first place, but that’s a different situation). The only reason I know it doesn’t work is because I’m not an idiot. While in many ways I’m an idealist, and would love to believe I could win a woman’s heart over by standing outside her door holding my iphone above my head with it blaring “fill in cheesy love song from this decade,” I know it just doesn’t happen that way. Or maybe, it does. I’m going to cut myself off from blabbing on and on and open this up to the general public…Ladies & Gents, please comment with quick story if something similar to the following scene has happened in your life, and not only that, if it actually did the trick.

20
Jan
11

dear rene & brodie,

From the bottom of my heart, allow me to thank both of you for giving all teenage boys (well, maybe not all) a complex about the size of our, hmm family friendly, man parts.  When I first watched this movie, I was but an early teenager and let’s just say I only had first-hand knowledge of my endowment.  In addition, I tended to focus my stare downwards (still do) in lockers rooms and gyms and so forth, so I had very little (no pun intended) to compare myself too.  Then I watch the following scene,

and from that moment forth, I was scared to death about what future females would think of my ‘stuff.’ How was I to believe anything any females would say about it? I was smart enough to realize very few would be so mean as to say something along the lines of, “wow, that is really small…good luck with that thing.”  But now I started thinking no matter what a girl who saw it would always embellish by at least one size: average=tiny, decent=small, big=decent, huge=well, this one doesn’t really matter.

Now, in my ripe old age, I have become more than content with everything down there, but I think subconsciously in the back of my mind I still get nervous about someone new exploring, and chuckling at it (which, has yet to happen thank whichever lord you pray to).  Maybe deep down this is the reason I have intimacy issues, because I don’t want anyone laughing at me.  What’s the definition of insanity – something about repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results, right?  So if enough females have been privy to this kind of visual information, and not laughed, why do I keep expecting that to happen?

Eff you Kevin Smith.

PS – I actually don’t really care, at all…I mean as long as I get off, right? (calm down ladies, my Jewish guilt would preclude me from ever actually performing in this manner).




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