Posts Tagged ‘personal



08
May
11

“As usual, she has the last word” *

Dear Mom,

I think it is kind of fitting that I give you a mother’s day shout out on this blog, given it is you that are constantly reminding me that I indeed only have ex-girlfriends, and nothing current. “Why don’t I have grandkids to spoil yet?” is a question you bellow out far too often. You want the honest answer…because I’m not done being spoiled yet ;) I know you avoid trying to be a prototypical Jewish mother as much as possible, but you fail kind of miserably.

That being said, you are an amazing woman, wife & mother and I love that you are still a major part of my life. You provide me with some much needed backbone & strength that I’m not sure too many mothers do help provide. I am not going to get all superlative like and call you the “world’s best mom,” but you are certainly the best mother I could ever have hoped for.

Now, THAT being said, even though they say us guys end up with woman similar to their mom’s, I  hope my future wife doesn’t nag me quite as much as you do!

Love,

Your son

*Mommie Dearest (of course)

15
Apr
11

You don’t know the first thing about love, because you don’t understand compromise*

Dear Lizzie,

I think you are perhaps the most important date(s) I’ve gone on in a long time. Our first date was a typical ‘meet for drinks,’ I expected to be out of there in an hour or so (sue me, I’m not the biggest optimist in the world, I mean it makes sense, just look at my track record). We sat and chatted for about three hours, and if your drop-off point wasn’t in such a brightly lit, public area, I definitely would’ve (tried) to make out with you. But alas, we made plans for a second date, which was good enough for me.

Warm, sunny days have not exactly been the norm around here, so we decided to take advantage of it and go for a leisurely stroll with your dog, who is awesome by the way. It was on this walk where I learned something important about what I need in a significant other. Obviously things in common are important, as is your laugh/beautiful smile/and to be completely honest a lovely looking chestal region. And we do have some stuff in common, after all without that I don’t think our conversation would be so free flowing. However, once you started going on about a summer filled with motorcycles, camping & manual labor I knew it wasn’t meant to be.

I was still contemplating whether or not we should do a full on dinner date to see if we could still manage, just because I do think we clicked on one level, until you asked what my plans were the rest of the weekend. Besides skiing and a concert, I told you about how I was psyched for Sunday afternoon because a few friends were coming over to watch the final round of the Masters & then the Red Sox/Yankees game. The disdain you had for both events really nailed in the coffin for us.

I used to think I’d rather date someone like you, a TOTAL non-sports fan, than a New York Yankee fan. I realize now that I was dead wrong. As this week crept by, and the Red Sox kept losing, and then the Bruins lost their opening playoff game to the effing Canadians, and I’m dealing with the stress of the impending Knicks-Celtics playoff series, I realized I need to date a sports fan. I need someone who can understand why I wasn’t in the best mood this week; or why I walked around Newark Int’l Airport aimlessly for 3 hours trying to choke back tears after the Jets beat the Patriots a few months ago; or why…ok you get the point, right?

Again, I don’t need someone who will be affected in the same way I am, because I understand I take it to the extreme, but it is who I am. I just need someone who would empathize with me…and who wouldn’t scoff at the idea of basing a Sunday afternoon around large sporting events.

Jeremy

ps – I hope you understand…because I’m sure you don’t want to be with someone who scoffs at the idea of riding a motorcycle two hundred miles into the middle of nowhere, starting a fire from scratch and sleeping in a tent, like myself.

*Closer – yes this quote is a bit overly dramatic with regards to the situation…but I was in a rush.

09
Mar
11

dear victor hugo,

I guess I should include the likes of Claude-Michel Schonberg (composer) & Herbert Kretzmer (English lyrics). Most of all, this letter goes out to Samantha Barks, who played the part of Eponine at the 25th Anniversary Les Miserables concert at the 02 Arena last Autumn. Is “On My Own” not the original “Dear Ex” letter? Yes, yes, I’m well effing aware that Eponine & Marius were never actually an ‘item,’ but I think I’m ok with that given that more than half the girls I’ve written letters to on this blog were never my actual girlfriend; instead they were just either objects of my affection who didn’t return said affection or biatches I met with once and never want to see again. It’s impossible for me to convey just how much I love this song, and pretty much all of the Les Mis soundtrack…and I’m also proud to admit it. I have no shame that I like some showtunes (Tommy, by The Who, should not be missed on Broadway, for example). Although I guess it does make it a bit easier to make this exclamation from the pulpit of an anonymous blog. But still, I might be risking losing a percentage of male readers by admitting that Les Miserables has often brought me to tears. I think I tweeted while I was watching this on PBS this past weekend something along the lines of “If Les Mis doesn’t affect your emotions in some way, you dont have a soul.” Watch this clip, I stand by that statement.

PS – Notice how I didn’t dedicate this song to g-damned ‘Glee‘ or Joey Potter from ‘Dawsons Creek.’ Want to know why? Because those shows are for p-words. And I’m all man baby.

PPS – I used to love ‘Dawsons Creek.’ And I’ve intentionally avoided ‘Glee’ because I have a feeling I’d love it. And yes, I put the PPS beneath the clip hoping most people wouldn’t notice it.

03
Mar
11

“I say forget about forgiving and just accept. And… get the hell out of town.”*

Dear Ally & Carolyn,

Do I owe you both apologies? Just one of you? Neither of you? It’s been a few months and I’m still not sure what the protocol here is.

So there I was, in some post Thanksgiving meal bliss watching some football on my parents big screen. And by bliss, I mean I couldn’t move, the button on my pants was undone, and there was a nice caucasian by my side (that is, a large White Russian, the drink. Not a human). I decided to peruse the current match.com scene as it had been a month or so and I wanted to see the fresh meat, err, I mean potential long term female relationship partners that were on there. As luck would have it, a girl with an intriguing profile & some cute pictures actually shot me an IM. That was you, Carolyn. We chatted for 30 minutes or so about music, and how stupid match.com was. It was very easy going and I found myself somewhat at ease with you. One would think it’d be normal to be at ease IMing with someone, but one would be surprised.

But, while we were IMing, I was browsing other profiles. Apparently, this was a dick move. Well, only because the one girl I decided to email was you, Ally. And only because the two of you happen to be effing roommates. Just my effing luck. Bottom line was this: After a few emails I thought I had more in common with Ally, and was also slightly more attracted to her…but since I talked to Carolyn first I was already cast as an asshole in your apartment.

I don’t need to discuss our awkward coffee date Ally…or how apparently I saw you at a bar one night Carolyn and didn’t say hello (it was Saturday at 1am, I was hammered, and I’d only seen online pictures of you, did you really expect me to recognize you?), or how I never spoke to either of you again. In some ways, I completely understand given just how awkward it is. But in most ways, it’s all a bunch of bullshit. Carolyn, you likened the situation to me buying you a drink at a bar but then halfway through the conversation turning to my right, buying another girl a drink and talking to her. But that isn’t true…you know why? Because we weren’t at an effing bar. We were talking on a dating service website. I didn’t realize we were exclusive already. Would you have cared if I was emailing another girl that wasn’t your roommate? Well, if the answer is ‘yes,’ then you are a crazy biatch. If the answer is ‘no,’ then how can I be an asshole just because of some crappy luck?

And Ally, I guess I understand why you seemed as comfortable as Charlie Sheen in a Church when we had coffee. I just wish we had met under different circumstances.

Anyway, according to facebook you are both now in relationships. I hope they go well, and if they don’t just pull the roommate swap.

Sincerely,

Not an Asshole

*Grosse Pointe Blank (I’m not leaving town, fyi. I can’t wait to run into you at the bar one night).




Letters sent…

December 2012
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