Posts Tagged ‘relationship


Give me a word, any word, and I show you that the root of that word is Greek. *

Dear Jamey,

Before I get all self-deprecating, sarcastic, and so forth, allow me for one moment to be serious.  I’m glad that I can even write this letter to you, since college you faced some incredibly serious health issues and persevered and from what facebook tells me, you are leading quite a happy life these days.  That being said, what chance did we have, given that you dragged me to “my big effing fat greek wedding” on our first date?

Actually, let’s backtrack just a hair, because I realized things weren’t going to work from the moment we ordered dinner.  How I remember exactly what happened and my mindset at the time is mind-boggling I know, but remember I’m the kid who got yelled at by a frat bro once because I spent an entire lunch speaking 1980′s movie quotes.  Anyway, we were at the Outback, and I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “ok, you have to order something decent so she doesn’t think you are a cheapskate.” So, I figured I’d class it up and get a filet mignon, medium-rare as always.  Then instead of asking the always awkward question, “do you want to get an app?” I thought I’d just be prepared.  Sidenote, asking about apps can be brutal…if you are with someone who you’d rather end the date with quickly, and she wants one, you are effed. The opposite can also happen.  I decided that I’d get a garden salad with the fat-free vinaigrette, to show that I am a man because I eat almost raw red meat, but I’m also health conscious.  Then the waitress came over, and being the gentleman that I am I let you order first.  The words came out like slow-motion,

“I’ll have the filet, medium-rare.  Oh, and I’ll start with a garden salad, fat free vinaigrette on the side.”

I panicked, instead of calling an audible, I said with a hint of chagrin, “Same thing please.” We laughed it off awkwardly.

Wow I got off topic!  The real reason for this letter was to give you a fair amount of grief over you dragging me to an obviously awful movie after said filets (which, if I recall, were overocoked).  I feel like since I splurged for the meal, I should have had at least some say in what movie we attended.  But when I asked what you wanted to see, and you quickly responded, “I’ve been dying to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” it was nearly impossible for me to say no.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have been looking into those pretty blue eyes, it may have been easier to say no.  So, we went, and you thoroughly enjoyed yourself while I counted the threads on my three-bar Game hat (those were the bomb back in the day, we actually had to earn a broken in hat). Actually, that’s really all i can say about the movie…it’s that bad.

We even went out a few more times after that debacle, a dinner or two, and I even managed to take you to an overnight fraternity formal.  Unfortunately we both got intoxicated enough where we were past the drunk hookup stage and just passed out.  After that, I guess things just petered out as they often do.  I should’ve known as soon as we went to see Big Fat Greek horrorshow that we never had a chance, romantically.  We also had that Seinfeld syndrome where there was never an awkward pause in our convos to allow me a good chance to make a move.  It’s too bad we didn’t just cut romantic ties after that movie, maybe then we could’ve been good friends, instead of the 6 month facebook message alerting each other of new music.  Who knows, maybe we still will be one day…

Happy Holidays,

John Corbett (get it?)

*My Big Fat Greek Wedding (editor’s note: I disagree entirely with this quote, ever hear of LATIN?)


you don’t want to be named as anybody’s girlfriend, and now you’re someone’s wife? *

Dear Margaret (x 2),

Sorry for bothering you again, as if my first letter to you wasn’t enough.  But I just caught wind of the fact that you are now engaged, of course I heard it via facebook.  I figure as your first boyfriend I deserved you flying to me and at least telling me face to face.  Ok, a phone call? Then again I guess if you had a list of people to call directly about your great news, I would rank somewhere between 87th and 1,060th, so I understand.


We were never really this happy anyway...Photo Courtesy of NYTimes



Let’s get the obvious out of the way first – congratulations.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  You were my first ‘girlfriend,’ so it’s not as if I hold some grudge that goes back 15 years.  We were friends throughout high school, and have kept in touch just enough for me to know that you deserve all the happiness that has come to you recently, and is coming your way in the future.  That’s really it…and yes I realize the quote doesn’t exactly fit – since it wasn’t the label of girlfriend you didn’t like, it was more about me trying to kiss you with cheese in my braces; and you aren’t someone’s wife quite yet.  You will be though, soon, and I couldn’t be happier for you.

Though I guess I do regret I never actually got to kiss you,

If you invite me, please place me next to some hot bridesmaids…


* 500 Days of Summer

Letters sent…

December 2012
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