Dear Attractive Female with Nice Cleavage at Gate 25,
Maybe if Delta hadn’t screwed me again for the 2nd time in a week. Maybe if the burger I had ordered while waiting at JFK for 5 hours hadn’t been overcooked with the wrong cheese on it. Maybe if the iced tea I ordered hadn’t been peach (with no warning, I hate that crap). Maybe if the two drunk ritards next to us at the gate weren’t so loud and obnoxious. Maybe if I had a bigger set of balls…Maybe I would’ve taken my ipod off and chatted you up. Crap, I just used an incredibly British phrase, I hope I’m not turning into one of those assholes that goes to London for a week and comes back pretending to be English.
Anyway, I’m actually reviewing the last paragraph and realizing it’s not really true. All those things happened to me, yes; but none of them prevented me from talking to you. The only thing that did that was the same thing that prohibits me from talking to a random female at the grocery store. What is that thing? I’m not entirely sure. It’s part because it’s a slightly abnormal social situation, part not wanting to be ‘that guy,’ part being a bit of a p-word when it comes to approaching females.
But at the end of the day, what can I say in that situation that doesn’t make me come off like a skeevy asshole? Besides, you had your headphones in too…it isn’t as if you were inviting some dude that had been traveling for nearly 24 hours (but didn’t smell like it, always throw some deodorant in your carry on when traveling internationally) to hit on you. And let’s not be bashful here, it was going to be an effort to hit on you/flirt with you, even if it was only a mild one. Was there a fleeting moment where I imagined us talking for 10 minutes before sneaking into the bathroom for a quickie? Of course there was. But really, I just wanted to spend 20 minutes talking to an attractive female. Neither happened.
Just do me a favor, next time you travel and don’t want to be bothered, don’t wear a shirt that shows so much cleavage. It attracts attention.
*Stand By Me