Posts Tagged ‘stupid


“i am not a smart man, but i know what love is”*

Dear Alabama,

I really owe you an apology.  I treated you like an absolute ass for the duration of our relationship.  I guess the truth of the matter is it was just one of those times in my life when I feel like I NEEDED a girlfriend.  You see, I had just started 7th grade and had yet to do anything substantial with a female (and by substantial, I mean making out for an hour after school under the bleachers).  But the thing is, once we started going steady, I closed up.  I didn’t know how to deal with such a meaningful relationship with a female. I had absolutely no idea what “going out,” meant.  I thought I could just tell my friends and family (who I think were already trying to pressure me) that I had a girlfriend, and all was right with the world.

For the life of me, I can’t remember a single thing the two of us did together, as a couple.  How long did it actually last? A week, two at most.  I vaguely remember trying to coordinate a date at the movies, but I think your mom had an issue with you seeing ‘Schindlers List’ at such a young age.  I guess that makes sense, you were but a 6th grader, or your mom was just secretly anti-semitic, I’m not sure.  Anyway, I wonder what would have happened if we had done something, could two pre-pubescent kids have fallen in love? Ah, what a daydream that is.

Truth be told, we never had a chance.  Why the hell did you even say yes to me in the first place?  Do you remember how I went about asking you out? I sure as hell do.  I think we had talked once before our Wednesday morning assembly that week, and you must have smiled at me because I thought for sure you’d want to be my girlfriend after that.  So as we sung our school song to finish the meeting, I subbed in the words “Alabama will you go out with me?” for one of the last lines of the song.  Holy crap, I’m getting that cold nervous sweat I had just admitting that to the general public.  What a jackass.

Well, honestly, that’s it. I have nothing else I can write here.  I doubt we’ve even conversed since  I finished middle school and I don’t even think, wait hold on a second…nope, we aren’t even facebook friends.  Anyway, hope the men you have been with since have been better at the whole communication thing than I was.



ps – you know this was almost entirely sarcastic, right? Unfortunately the way I asked you out was 100% true. Eff my life.

* Forrest Gump (turns out i am a smart man, and i dont know what love is – then or now!)

Letters sent…

December 2012
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