Posts Tagged ‘thoughts

20
Jan
11

dear rene & brodie,

From the bottom of my heart, allow me to thank both of you for giving all teenage boys (well, maybe not all) a complex about the size of our, hmm family friendly, man parts.  When I first watched this movie, I was but an early teenager and let’s just say I only had first-hand knowledge of my endowment.  In addition, I tended to focus my stare downwards (still do) in lockers rooms and gyms and so forth, so I had very little (no pun intended) to compare myself too.  Then I watch the following scene,

and from that moment forth, I was scared to death about what future females would think of my ‘stuff.’ How was I to believe anything any females would say about it? I was smart enough to realize very few would be so mean as to say something along the lines of, “wow, that is really small…good luck with that thing.”  But now I started thinking no matter what a girl who saw it would always embellish by at least one size: average=tiny, decent=small, big=decent, huge=well, this one doesn’t really matter.

Now, in my ripe old age, I have become more than content with everything down there, but I think subconsciously in the back of my mind I still get nervous about someone new exploring, and chuckling at it (which, has yet to happen thank whichever lord you pray to).  Maybe deep down this is the reason I have intimacy issues, because I don’t want anyone laughing at me.  What’s the definition of insanity – something about repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results, right?  So if enough females have been privy to this kind of visual information, and not laughed, why do I keep expecting that to happen?

Eff you Kevin Smith.

PS – I actually don’t really care, at all…I mean as long as I get off, right? (calm down ladies, my Jewish guilt would preclude me from ever actually performing in this manner).

27
Dec
10

dear billy corgan,

You are bald, sometimes you wear long skirts/dresses at your live shows, and overall you seem like an extremely, how can I put it nicely, eccentric human being.  Basically, somehow I doubt the two of us would have much in common; if we ever got together for a beer I think we’d be resigned to discussing your music.  Although we could discuss sports, but you’d probably hate me because I know you are an avid Chicago Cubs fan, and because I’m a Red Sox fan you might just resent me.  You certainly couldn’t divulge any relationship advice that might help me find love, for eff’s sake, you’ve been romantically linked with many a females.  But that’s not really the reason, it’s mainly because you’ve had an on again/off again relationship with Courtney Love, the craziest biatch this side of the Great Wall.  Although you apparently did have a fling with Jessica Simpson, I’d love to know what she was like in the sack, when she wasn’t eating wings of buffaloes of course.  Wait, I got really off track, I’m writing you because of your song “Thirty-three.”

This song always depresses the crap out of me, yet I can’t stop listening to it…especially this time of year.  For some reason it makes me reflect on my not-so-interesting life and forces me to confront why I am A. single B. no prospects of not being single and C. in such a stagnant personal place.  I mean, how can a line like, “Tomorrow’s just an excuse away/So I pull my collar up and face the cold/On my own” not make you reflect on why you suck? And I do not wholly suck, only parts of me do, and Billy your song seems to bring out those parts in full force.  And I really want to know what the hell you meant by ‘Tomorrow’s just an excuse away.’ I always interpret it differently.  My guess is you weren’t referring to coming up with a new excuse, tomorrow, on why you are going to leave that nutjob Courtney Love again.  I come up with excuses constantly about items A, B & C above, the problem is the excuses are super good.  And thus, A/B/C are all still major components of my life.

So as not to completely encase myself in the post-holiday blues, I’ll finish by thanking you for providing glimpses of hope throughout this morose  song.  While lamenting my seemingly boring life, lyrics like “for a moment I lose myself/wrapped up in the pleasures of the world,” and, “I know I’ll make it/love can last forever” offer rays of light in this dark, dreary world.  Haha, I sound absurd with lines like that.

I’m not actually depressed, but who is truly happy the few days after Christmas? Not to mention it’s about 0 degrees outside, with heavy winds and snow. Excuse me for not being all hunky-effing dory.

07
Nov
10

Would you like to do this again? With you – wouldn’t have thought so.*

Dear Shayna,

I want to thank you for making me re-think my internet dating habits: Lesson #1 – Never, ever agree to more than a lunch or a drink for the first face to face meeting, dinners are simply too long, and sometimes really painful.  Like it was with you.  So while you may have cost me about $40 (remember, when you offered to split it I couldn’t take you up on it quickly enough), you also taught me something priceless.

Lesson #2 – Whether it is on purpose or subconsciously, you made me realize that we all sell our selves online.  We project an image of what we think people want to see in our profile, and then enhance that image through emails, online chat and dare I say – even an adult-like phone call. I think everyone does this to a certain degree; I like to think I try my best to show people that I am down to earth, witty, and pretty much the man.  You seemed like a happy-go-lucky, easy to talk to, educated individual.  Well, at least you are educated (I can only presume you didn’t lie about your Master’s Degree).  Turns out you were actually quite miserable.  Upon getting the awkward greeting out of the way, I asked how your day went.  Your response, a terse, “Awful.”  I’ll spare you the details, but it was only downhill from there.

Lesson # 3 – You also taught me to watch what I say.  When I mentioned I was looking for jobs at prep schools, you were curious as to why only private.  My answer, if you recall, was along the lines of, “Well the administrative type job I’m looking for aren’t typically at public schools, I’m not certified to teach at a public school, and I went to a private high school so I know the landscape and think I’d really enjoy that environment again.”  I didn’t realize that was such a snobby comment, because you replied, “Private school kid huh? Aren’t you the privileged one.”  At least that wasn’t 20 minutes into knowing each other.  Oh, wait. Yes it was.

Winnie & Kevin went further at 11 than we ever will

Lesson # 4 – I guess I’m not the only one who has trouble reading signals.  Let’s recap real quick: You barely spoke, and when you did something miserable usually came out; you called me a snob; I scoffed at a second glass of wine and dessert; even though I have always paid on the first date unless the female absolutely insists, as soon as you brought out your plastic I think I tore it from your hands to throw in with mine; oh yeah, I shook your hand goodbye.  Despite all this Shayna, you actually had the gall to send me an email the next day informing me what a blast you had and that you wanted to do it again soon. Suffice it to say, that certainly didn’t happen…and if you couldn’t read that signal, hopefully this letter spells it out a bit clearer.

See you never,

Privileged

PS – I should tell you that my guess is you were just having a bad day, and that you are probably far cooler and sweeter than you presented yourself on our date.  But first impressions are everything.  Sorry.

*The Office, UK Christmas Special




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