I feel like a bit of a fraud sending you a Christmas list, mainly because I was raised Jewish and never really celebrated Christmas growing up. Oh, there is also that tiny fact that I am 29, but I’m sure every once in awhile you get some desperate plea for attention. Anyway, here is what I want for Christmas this year (I guess just throw each one in my mudroom area, since I don’t have a tree?):
1. GPS Device: I recently spent a weekend in an unnamed east coast city, it was somewhat daunting and nerve-wracking driving around the city streets not really know where I’m going with a bunch of massholes. Ok, you caught me…it was Boston.
2. Some good books. I have lots of free time on my hands and I need some more inspiration for the novel I’m going to write…speaking of which…
3. Someone from Random House, Penguin or Pendant Publishing (preferably Elaine Benes) to stumble across this blog, appreciate my witty, self-deprecating humor to such an extent they ask me to write a book.
4. RETAINER. RE. TAIN. ER.
5. A female that I’m interested in and that is interested in me. Note how I didn’t get all crazy and ask for a girlfriend…just the potential for one. It would help if she were A. not psycho B. not necessarily a great cook but at least decent about grocery shopping, because I suck at it C. has some connections to the publishing world.
6. For The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Snooki and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast to vanish into obscurity, and somehow donate all their un-earned money to charity. I don’t want them to fade away, that would happen anyway. I want to wake up on Christmas morning and their fame simply cease to exist.
7. True Grit to be as good as I’m expecting it to be.
8. 100 twitter & facebook followers (hey, at least this one won’t cost anything except maybe some dignity)
9. Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez and the New York Jets to lose out and miss the playoffs.
10. A free month on match.com in order to make #5 a bit more realistic. Actually screw that, if you’ve read any of my previous posts you’ll know this is just a waste. How about you just make #5 appear on my front porch singing, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” on Christmas Eve. It would be preferable if it was snowing lightly, and cold enough so that when I invite her in for hot cocoa in front of the fireplace (which I don’t have…damn that sounds super shady huh?) she will actually take me up on the offer. This way, not only will I potentially have a girlfriend, I will also associate that song with happy memories, because as it stands for some reason the somberness of the song makes me want to crawl under my covers and cry. Well, it would be associated with happy memories, until of course…she just becomes another ex, and she gets one of these letters. Yet I digress.
Oh, and as for the milk and cookies, you are more than welcome to have your fair share, but I’m pretty sure the oreos are stale and the milk is spoiled. See items #5/#10 on my list if you’d like this rectified for the 2011 holiday season.
The Lonely Jew on Christmas